Suitability not enough to cement relationship

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for a year. We eased slowly into the relationship — friends for months first — as we were both still hurting after recent divorces.

We are perfectly suited in so many ways — identical interests, shared friends, sameage children, parallel life experiences — and we enjoy one another very much, despite the time restrictions that running separate households and raising children entail.

So what’s the problem? I’m having a hard time trusting him. His longtime marriage ended because of an infidelity on his part. He takes full responsibility.

But he often doesn’t take responsibility for admittedly minor things between us — saying something hurtful, for example, or forgetting plans we’ve made, or other mild but inconsiderate actions. He always had an excuse — a reason I don’t understand or somehow misinterpreted.

When I raise my concerns, he says he understands but that’s just the way he is.

On the other hand, I was married to an occasionally verbally and physically violent drug addict for 16 years with all the passion, intensity, gaslighting and insanity that sort of relationship entails.

My current relationship is a welcome relief.

Am I oversensitive or seeing real red flags?

People who can’t or won’t admit fault are always a red flag.

There are judgment calls but — forgetting plans? If one can’t be one’s unfiltered self and form the words, “Oh no! No excuse. Please forgive me” — then that’s not a self around whom I want to be with.

But, also always a red flag: Coming out of 16 years of “passion, intensity, gaslighting and insanity” with a “violent drug addict” and still greeting your own distrust with, “Am I oversensitive?”

Questioning your reality is the emotional signature of gaslighting. You know this. It’s when you respond to something done to you that’s objectively bad — as in, something you’d never encourage anyone you care about to put up with — by wondering whether you’re the one at fault.

The reasons you cite for his suiting you are ones of coincidence, not character. Interests, kid ages, “parallel life experiences.”

These are important for compatibility but they won’t help you trust an untrustworthy person. Find a good therapist who can help you recalibrate your judgment. I cannot overstate the importance of trusting your own voice. Do not commit further, to anyone, till you do.

— Red Flags?