Expression of sympathy can be shared via letter

I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I found out through a mutual friend that my doctor’s daughter passed away at the young age of 18. The last time I saw him, he had spoken of his daughter fondly.

He is my gynecologist, and I am currently pregnant, so I will see him again very soon, and very often, for the next few months. I feel almost guilty about the upcoming birth of my child while he grieves for the loss of his.

I want to write him offering my condolences and maybe somehow mention the beautiful thoughts he had shared with me on my last visit.

Also, I’m unsure of how and how often to bring her up in my upcoming appointments, if at all. How do I ask how he is doing without sounding like I feel sorry for him? How do I share my joy without stomping on his pain?

I want to let him know that my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family without suffocating him with my condolence.

That is the beauty of the condolence letter. It allows the sender a forum purely to express sympathy without requiring a response from the mourner other than thanks. Write a letter, which includes how touched and affected you were by the stories he shared with you.

Miss Manners suggests that you do this before you see him next. Then at appointments, keep it professional and ask the questions that you would normally ask. He will surely have realized that he will be around expectant mothers — and figure out for himself how to manage that. If he wants to talk about the situation, he will.

My husband and I sat down at a public picnic table, joining some friends. A lone woman already seated there — not part of our group — asked my husband to move because she didn’t like his cologne. There were many empty seats available.

We did move to the other end of the picnic table. Who is responsible to find another place if a person’s fragrance is disliked?

There is a logic to placing the burden on the newcomer and the fragrant, both of which would be your husband.

But the price of such logic is high, namely the rudeness of telling your husband that he smells bad. Miss Manners would have counseled the lone woman to act only after giving serious thought to moving upwind herself.

By relocating, you made the gracious assumption that the woman had considered the alternatives, and found them impossible.

While I was at a playground with my grandchildren, I witnessed a father trying to force his son, about 4 years old, to go across the monkey bars. The little boy was terrified. He was screaming and crying out that he didn’t want to do it. The father, at one point, even called him a sissy. The child’s mother was visibly upset, and whispered to the father that everyone was staring at him. He loudly yelled, “I don’t care who’s looking!” He continued to force his son to hang from the bars. Finally, the father gave up in disgust with his son.

I wanted so badly to interfere, but I assumed the father would yell at me. The child did not seem in imminent physical danger, but he was in a lot of emotional pain. Is there anything I should have done?

Assured your grandchildren that they will never by treated similarly. And then encouraged them to go play with the poor boy afterwards.