Gifts aren’t only consideration for improving ties to family

I’ve sent a check, it has taken months to cash.

Finally, I said, “Duh! They don’t need your money. Stop!” So I included just a cheerful note on the last card. Was my “Duh!” moment the truth? Should I just keep sending cards only? My sister was always very generous to my kids as they were growing up.

I think you’re right that the checks aren’t meaningful, at least not in the way you intend. That’s fine. But instead of sending just cards minus the checks, though, I hope you’ll rethink the family strategy.

I can count four motivations for sending checks: to stay connected, to show you care, to help this young family, to repay your sister’s generosity. Each of these is worthwhile — but checks didn’t get it all done. So, what would? I can think of one that covers caring, paying back and helping: Contribute in their daughter’s name to a tax-deferred education account. That covers your impulse to be generous. Perhaps they could be affluent enough not to feel an effect from $100 on their birthdays, but when it grows into several thousand at tuition time, then you could be Auntie of the Year.

That just leaves connection, which is where your family struggles. I urge you to recognize that what didn’t work for you and your sister — connection by cash — will also not work for you and your nephew. It’s going to take more of what did work when he was young. Presence.

If you want him in your life, then try harder to be in his.

Showing up on his out-of-state doorstep is not advisable without his encouragement — but you can find out whether he would accept more of your presence by taking steps that make sense on your end, such as inviting him and your sister for a holiday visit — or calling him occasionally.