Mother’s reaction to ancestry testing raises eyebrows

Carolyn Hax

Dear Carolyn: I was talking with my wife, her brother and her mother, and the subject of DNA tests came up. My wife and her brother both said they were thinking about sending in a DNA test for their ancestry. My mother-in-law started getting very adamant that it would be stupid for both of them to do it because they both have the same ancestry so there’s no reason not to just have one of them do it.

She was getting quite upset about it. I suspect my mother-in-law was reacting that way because perhaps they don’t have the same biological father, which I know would come as a shock to my wife. This is just my suspicion; maybe I’m wrong.

My wife and her brother are now both planning to do the test. Should I say anything?

Yikes. So much potential for disaster based on so little substance.

Here’s what you do have, and the only thing you have: You picked up your motherin-law’s distress signal and her children didn’t.

Since the reason for it could be serious, please do intervene, but limit your intervention to what you know and don’t put even a toenail beyond it.

Say to your wife, “When you and your brother were talking about the DNA test, your mom was not only adamant that only one of you do it, but also was increasingly upset the more you talked about it.

“It just seemed like you and your brother were both too caught up in the idea to notice your mom’s reaction. I have no idea what it might mean, but thought you should consider it before you do anything.”

Avoid your suspicions altogether. Let your wife take it from there.

Dear Carolyn: My dad keeps oversharing about his relationship with my mom. He goes into extreme detail about their fights and how that makes him feel. When he is finished, he tells me he feels more relaxed now that I know. I don’t want to be the one who takes that away from him, but I also don’t really want to hear this. Is that unreasonable?

Please, please be the one who takes that away from him. He’s hurting you and he’s hurting his relationship with you, and at least indirectly hurting his and your relationships with your mom.

Your father is handing you responsibility for a relationship you aren’t actually in. You need only to explain to your dad that you love him and wish you could help but aren’t comfortable hearing fight details — and then back that up by removing yourself from any conversation where he brings them up.

Do it while you still feel warmly enough toward your dad to express affectionate exasperation, before resentment’s the only thing left.