Woman should step back from finding new suitor too soon

Carolyn Hax

Dear Carolyn: I was in a long-term relationship that ended about six months ago, so I haven’t dated in nearly a decade. I have a few guys who are sort of vying for my affection. How does one decide?

I am interested in having a family and, since I’m 30, I feel a little pressure to find someone I want to start a life with sooner rather than later. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing at all.

Dear Finding a partner: Good. That might be what saves you from yourself.

Because as much as we like to be in control, we don’t always “decide” things in our own best interests.

If you start evaluating your suitors using a sideby-side comparison, then you could easily miss that none of them is right for you. Same goes if you weigh them just as potential dads.

If you pick a favorite and then date him exclusively to see how things go, you might feel committed even when your heart isn’t there yet. You don’t know what you’re doing. That’s OK. Own that.

And who really does know what works anyway?

You just know you, better than you did a decade ago.

So don’t “do” anything other than live your life in service of its two appropriate masters: decency, and you. Do what’s right and what’s right for you.

Dear Carolyn: I would like for my husband and me to give my daughter, his stepdaughter, a lump sum toward a house down payment. She and her boyfriend, both 30, are hard workers, but she’s had a career of mainly temp jobs, without much cushion for savings.

My husband feels uneasy about this because we’ve never financially assisted his daughter, and we already pay for my daughter’s health insurance and phone.

I say his daughter has been lucky enough to find stable employment and she doesn’t need the money. She and her husband already bought a house on their own.

Isn’t it OK for parents to give money to the kids who need it, rather than arbitrarily splitting it down the middle? —

You can get any answer you want here.

You could argue that your daughter has received less of it than his daughter has. Therefore, the lump sum would even things out.

You could also use choices as your axis, and argue a gift to your daughter essentially penalizes his daughter for managing her life better.

Or you could assure the nonrecipient daughter that support will be available to her, too, should circumstances ever demand it.

If these were my cash reserves to assign, then I’d go with some version of equity in support — be it through the two-lump-sum plan or a “we’ll-be-therefor-you-too” pledge, even if it means you square things up through your will. Good faith doesn’t need to be perfect; it just needs to show up.