Partner’s ‘ loner’ attitude is unusual, not abnormal

myself busy and don’t think about what is not there.

I never get lonely and have a few friends that I see on a weekly basis. I have several sisters and see them at least once a month. I have always been considered a “loner.” My parents would wonder why I would be happy just sitting on the porch and reading a book.

I really love my partner and all of my family and friends. But I don’t need to see or talk to them every day. Is this normal?

Dear Missing: It’s your normal, which is pretty much all that counts.

It sounds like a gift, by the way. Consider the efforts and years and thousands many people expend trying not to live in their pasts or in some unattainable future.

But no life is ideal if you have to spend a big chunk of it explaining yourself, so it’s probably worth a good last try to walk your partner through it.

Some points are worth hitting on the way:

He imagines your feelings, apparently, only as versions of his own. When any of us tries to understand the way another person feels, Step 1 ought to be this mantra: “This person is not me, and therefore may have a completely different way of seeing, feeling and responding to virtually everything we both encounter.” Would he be willing to try this with you for a while, to see whether it changes his perspective? Fortunately, this way of thinking does become habit. So, if we commit to it, our minds don’t have to stay in this verbose and scoldy place for very long.

Your way of seeing him is joyful. You love him and enjoy him and don’t feel the pain of absence in between. Can that be enough for him?

If being missed by people is the only way he can feel loved, then you are sorry to disappoint him. You don’t want to cause him pain.

You will support him in getting what he needs. If there is something concrete you can do for him that he thinks would help, such as initiating plans more often, then he need only ask. What you can’t do is become someone else emotionally — not for your own son and grandchild, not for your sisters, not for your dearest friends, and not for him.

You can only choose not to engage further in this recurring argument or discussion. Whether to accept you as you are is emotional work that he has to do on his own. You can offer him only what you have, and he can stay or break up on those terms.