Dark family secrets should be handled with care

Apparently, he divorced his first wife and, soon after, allowed his two young children to be adopted by his ex-wife’s new husband. And he never saw his children again.

My aunt said my mom was fully aware of all this.

Being an only child is a big part of my identity, and I’m shocked to learn I have two half-siblings out in the world. As a mom myself, I’m also shocked my dad gave up those children and agreed to never see them again.

I can’t decide whether to confront my parents about this. We’re very close, but I feel like broaching this subject might be painful for them. And a part of me hates to bring that on them. It also feels like none of my business; this previous family had nothing to do with me. I kind of want to meet my half-siblings, but I also don’t want to be stirring up a hornet’s nest. —

R.I.P. the Dark Family Secret: born, beginning of time; died, 2018.

You know, and now we sort-of know, your story. Your parents have a story too — as they always did, obviously. You’ve just learned it’s more complicated than you could possibly have imagined. That alone doesn’t say it’s a damning story, just that it’s beyond your understanding right now.

Here’s what you need to ask yourself: Can you continue to have the same relationship with your parents as you always have, with only the information you now possess?

If yes, then you have the option of leaving this discovery right where you found it. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t, just that you can.

If no, then you need to talk to your parents. It’s not fair to be the reason your relationship changes and not tell them this reason yourself.

It doesn’t have to be you versus your parents. You can opt to approach them with love and assurances and not be poised to burn it all down.

They have choices, too, and among them is the option to respond as if you’re burning it all down no matter how lovingly you do it. This is one of the more painful topics a person can raise, no matter how kindly.

You’re raising the memory of lost children, yes, but it’s only in the face of your parents’ losing, potentially, their lifelong, intimate connection with you. Should you opt to use your power, do so with care.