It’s best to predetermine responsibility for party costs

the subject came up only in passing.

My mother just announced that she wanted to divide the cost between the four children. As much as I love my mother, I’m miffed. We all expected to help cover the costs but not to this extent. I can barely afford the only vacations I have planned this year. She can afford the party: She just got a rather large inheritance and, after years of saving and struggling, she is now financially secure. Please help.

Confer with the other siblings, decide what you can pay toward the party, make that total your budget and scale down your plans accordingly. Then tell your mother about Plan B — the four of you together, as a united front.

And apologize to her, too, for not determining at the outset who would pay for what. It was a big mistake — one that bit you all, your mother included.

If she doesn’t like your Plan B, then she can volunteer her own money for the upgrades she cares about.

Thereafter, try to salvage all the goodwill you can the old-fashioned way — by apologizing once, kindly holding your line and waiting it out.

Either that, or the four of you eat the expense. I’m sorry.

Dear Carolyn: I say “sorry” a lot. Usually, I’m not taking blame for something I’ve done but, rather, expressing sympathy or concern — “sorry” as shorthand for “I’m sorry traffic was so bad.”

My kids say I shouldn’t say “sorry” so much because it sounds as if I’m accepting blame for something that clearly isn’t my fault.

Do you have a better suggestion?

Hey, I just did the same thing in the previous answer!

Obviously, then, I don’t agree 100 percent with your children. I trust people to recognize the difference between “I’m sorry (I spilled coffee all over you)” and “I’m sorry (you had such a bad day).”

Your kids know far more of your story than I do, though, and they’re probably being taught there can be larger power implications to subtle language choices.

So I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that your “sorries” have become a habit worth breaking. The easiest way to do so is to skip the shorthand and say what you mean: “I’m sorry traffic was so bad for you.” “I’m sorry you felt sick all day.”

When that’s too clunky — most of the time — make your shorthand a little less short but a whole lot more accurate: “Oh, I’m sorry to