Budget-restricted parents should stay course on wedding

as they wish.

My fear is that they won’t see this (considerable) sum as a good thing but as an insult.

My husband lost virtually everything he owned in his divorce but still managed to pay for his daughter’s schooling. Thanks to my savings, we are comfortable now — which his daughter is likely aware of — but we are approaching retirement.

As they share their wedding plans with us, I intend to steer clear of any discussion of money, lest I be cast as the evil stepmother, but I’m worried about how the conversation might go. Any suggestions how to navigate this mess?

For starters, please note that there isn’t a “mess.”

Nothing has happened yet, except that they’re planning a wedding and you’re planning a gift — both of which sound lovely.

So, do what’s appropriate under any circumstances, but especially under lovely circumstances: Let them handle their business, and you handle yours in a kind and principled way. Here, that means: * Trust that your nostrings gift is the best way to support your stepdaughter within your budget and values.

* Recognize that you can control only how a gift is given, not how it is received.

None of the contingencies you’re fretting about affects this basic transaction: You give your gift with full respect and zero guile, and they do with it as they choose.

If they choose to be ungrateful, then that’s terrible — as entitlement always is — but still not a mess for you. All you need for any complaints or pushback is this response: “I’m sorry to hear that. This is all we’re prepared to give, however, so if you would rather not have it, then we’ll understand.”

Not budging in a kind way is your only play, no matter how she responds.