Mom can help daughter connect dots about controlling boyfriend

how to handle this. Where are the lines drawn between interference in her life and my concerns?

The line falls between what you observe and what you conclude.

What you observe is yours and powerful.

What you conclude is speculation, and the space between what you know and what you think you know is where all the hard feelings collect, and where defensiveness can take root. Voice your concern that he’s controlling, for example, or even that you just suspect or fear he might be, and you invite your daughter to feel (a) dense or naive or embarrassed or ashamed for missing it herself; (b) resentful that you think she’s too dense or naive to have noticed this herself, or too inept to choose a good boyfriend; (c) protective of this person she obviously cares about, problematic though he may be.

And, you may actually be wrong.

If you stick only to what you see, then you can’t be wrong and don’t leave room for anyone to argue with you. “I noticed something the other day. You have been quiet lately. In the car on our trip, though, you were really talkative — like you used to be When we got home, you withdrew into your cocoon with [boyfriend] and got quiet again.”

Again — don’t draw conclusions. Note this wording doesn’t assign any blame.

If she pushes back, then articulate your intent: “I’m not saying who or what or why — just that I notice a difference. If you’re in a good emotional place, then that’s what matters.”

Because it is, for one. It’s also the hardest thing to fake if it’s not true. The sensation of someone weighing her down is hard to deny forever, if that indeed is what’s going on. Please be patient enough to allow her to connect her dots to yours.

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