Sibling not equipped to help older sister with incessant woes

a therapist, but she has chased or bullied them all away.

I have set boundaries and don’t always answer the phone but think that I should occasionally reach out and call — but then it is another hour of saying “uh-huh” as she tells me her latest troubles. When I cut her off and say I have to go, I feel guilty, even though I’m often on the receiving end of her venom.

How do I stop feeling sorry for her? And is there anything I can do to support her better? She is married with grown children, but that’s another story I can’t fix.

Standing by her is a thoughtful gift to your sister. Note: Gift. You aren’t making good on an obligation or repaying a debt. You can be both kind and “boundaried.”

In fact, listening without limit isn’t being supportive; it’s enabling. Unloading on you satisfies any need your sister has to talk, thereby rewarding her choice to reject the much harder work of therapy.

That your sister has been “fighting the world since she was a little girl” aptly conveys your sense of futility but also indicates that you’re in over your head in trying to help.

Consider your own professional help. It’s unrealistic to expect families, as laypeople, to diagnose and respond helpfully to such mental and emotional challenges. There’s no substitute for an informed understanding of what you and she are up against.

A call to the National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline (1-800950-6264) might be all you need. Your guilt feelings, though, suggest a deeper entanglement, in which case a family doctor can likely offer some therapists’ names.