‘Believing’ critical in abuse cases

— women and men — often turn to friends before they turn to authorities, Alexander said.

A nonjudgmental reaction is important because some victims feel shame, said Lillian Howard, director of clinical and supportive services at CHOICES, the domestic-violence shelter operated by Lutheran Social Services.

“We let folks know that they don’t deserve the abuse, that they didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s not their fault.”

Although offering support is crucial, Alexander said, the victim should decide on the next step. Abusers often react violently when a victim is about to leave.

“Because there’s such risk associated with disclosure,” she said, “it’s very important that the victim determine the timing and approach.”

If you suspect abuse but a friend hasn’t acknowledged it, Penniman said, you should express your concern.

“Say, ‘I’m noticing these things, and it makes me worried.’”

The experts also noted that abuse isn’t only physical. It can include emotional torment, controlling behavior, surveillance and stalking.

Any life-threatening emergency compels a call to police, the experts said, and a seriously injured victim requires immediate medical help.

The degree of an injury, Penniman said, should not be underestimated.

Choking — a typical tactic of abusers — can cause damage that isn’t evident for hours. It’s also an ominous sign.

“People are seven times more likely to be killed by their partner if they’ve been strangled by them previously,” “Penniman said.