Boyfriend’s ‘ bait- and-switch’ not a personal affront
my man that I would happily date him as long as our relationship would be 100 percent out in the open. He promised that he would proclaim his love from the rooftops, so I was all in.
His siblings and parents — who have become relatively liberal during the 40 years they’ve been in the United States — have warmly welcomed me into their homes, even to religious celebrations. I have grown to care deeply for them. They have even accepted that their son and I are moving in together, unmarried.
I was shocked, then, when my boyfriend casually told me about meeting a member of his mother’s Muslim community. He laughed about how he told the woman he was moving in with a “roommate” and that his mother happily thanked him for the obfuscation. I immediately felt as if my being a part of the family’s life was shameful to them.
My boyfriend saw this as a lighthearted anecdote and didn’t understand why I was hurt. He discussed my concerns with his relatives, who said they plan to continue obfuscating. I want to resolve the hurt, but I don’t want to seem ungrateful for their acceptance and generosity.
I love this man very much, and I care for his family. But their decision to hide me in public is hurtful. What should I do?
How about not be hurt? Annoyed, sure. Or angry. Or disgusted. But not hurt, because it isn’t personal.
Were the family hiding you, just you, then it would be. But everything you say suggests that they would downplay who wasn’t from their culture.
This looks like a busted deal, giving you the license to be annoyed or angry. But you shouldn’t internalize this into a belief that you are personally seen as shameful.
You shouldn’t be shocked, either, because you knew about the steep cultural pressures going in. You’ve been embraced by his core people, yet you’re undone by a sidewalk fib?
You need to sort out whether this is a misunderstanding, a privacy-vs.-secrecy quibble, or proof of an irreconcilable difference. And the sortingout will go much better if you acknowledge your wounded feelings, search them for any bigger messages and then park them where they won’t cripple your ability to think clearly.