Woman needs to decide values for self before having sex

What do you want? What do you value? If you don’t know the answers, then don’t get married yet, to anyone. Then all you get is a new parent, and still no mind of your own.

Figure this stuff out before you make any irreversible decisions. Take the next decade or two, if you need it. I’m serious. The test isn’t timed and the only wrong answers are the ones you don’t bother to find.

Then, once you have those answers, ask yourself how you feel about his ultimatum.

Don’t get me wrong. He is absolutely entitled to decide he won’t marry someone he has never slept with.

And you, likewise, are absolutely entitled to decide your values are more important to you than he is.

No one is too good to lose, except you.

Dear Carolyn: About four months ago my wife started becoming friends with a man she works with. He’s a health nut and she wanted to lose some weight. This led them to become fast friends. My wife has always been very open about their friendship, telling me whenever they do something and always making sure I don’t mind — which for the most part I don’t.

My problem is that now I feel like all the things I used to give her emotionally (a shoulder to cry on, someone to gossip with, etc.) she now gets from him. I feel that if I say something she might break off her friendship and resent me later. I want my wife to have a life outside of our marriage. How can I talk to her and not make her think I want to control her life.

You miss her. Say so. You’re happy she has a friend, but you miss her. It’s neither controlling nor possessive. Nor unfair, paranoid, jealous or scared. It’s what a husband should feel when his wife isn’t around as much. If she doesn’t miss you, then best to find out now.

If she offers to end the friendship, though, refuse; just ask for more time with her.