Woman looking for loophole in friendship with adulterer

having an affair with one of the husbands. It has been devastating news on many levels.

The core question for me, beyond of course surrounding and supporting the friend who is the wife, is how I move forward with the friend who is having the affair.

One scenario is to walk away from the friendship given all the intentional pain this has caused to so many. But is there a scenario where time (or something other than time?) might heal something like this?

I am mourning the loss of the friendship ... but angry at the hurt this has caused, and the selfish motivations.

The answer is, there is no answer. There is no “how” — at least, not one I can supply for you. You move forward only how you want to and are willing to.

You can walk away from the unfaithful friend, the end, sure. That sounds justified, and avoids the angstier shades of moral line-drawing.

You can also stand by her, frailties and all. All decisions have consequences and this choice would likely have steep ones — costing you this whole group, perhaps — but it’s still your prerogative.

Or you can take a break from the cheating friend to see how you feel over time. You can prop yourself open to forgiving her under the right conditions, like her taking full accountability; maybe your conditions will eventually be met, maybe they won’t, maybe you’ll stop caring whether they do.

Or maybe you’ll ultimately miss her more than you resent her ... or realize your friendship with her runs deeper than it does with the friend she hurt, her profound betrayal notwithstanding?

If I had to guess why you’ve asked this question: You know you’re supposed to end this friendship but you’re hoping for a loophole.

And if so, fair enough. Every friendship involves looking the other way on

horrible personhood, after all, and it’s not for me to dictate the limit of anyone’s neck. Wanting to find enough good in an old friend to justify holding on means you’ll probably find it.

You just have to weigh doing that — and weigh the value of this person to you — against the message that sends to the wife, and against the social costs of associating with someone who so richly earned her spot as Pariah No. 1.