Girlfriend’s reasons for skipping AA anniversary should be better

comfortable.

The fact that she won’t spend an hour on something this important to me has me wondering what other land mines we might find in our relationship. It doesn’t feel as if it’s enough to break up over, but it feels like a bad omen. Do you think this could be a sign of bigger trouble ahead?

I might be more concerned about it than you are. There is the issue you identified perfectly, yes: This is clearly important to you, and she won’t give it an hour? Hm. I actually think this potentially breakupworthy, given how central recovery is to the life of any alcoholic and how central the support of loved ones is to any recovery. Don’t respond rashly, but don’t rule anything out.

On top of that significant issue, though, there’s also the issue of her refusal and her excuse-making in general. “Refuses” is strong stuff. The right to refuse (anything, for any reason) is ours alone on principle, but in practice is best reserved for actions that compromise integrity, break laws or harm others. She has refused your invitation for reasons that are the emotional equivalent of a hangnail.

And that leaves you two possibilities that aren’t terribly promising. Either these are her actual reasons and she freely prioritizes her hangnail over your emotional core, or she has excellent reasons and can’t or won’t articulate them to you.

Or, of course, a third — that she just doesn’t grasp how high the stakes are for you and/ or you just haven’t made them as clear as you’ve thought.

For your own peace of mind, try to find out which of these applies. Spell out your concerns and ask for a reckoning.