Friend’s money advice could lead to more problems than it fixes

something that isn’t yours to fix.

So make that your true north. The borrower gets to make her choices and live with the consequences. The lenders made choices, too, and are free to give and receive consequences of their own.

Dear Carolyn: Is a separation cruel? Prolonging the inevitable? In counseling now but I feel claustrophobic, like we can’t have a conversation without the weight of his fear and my frustration overshadowing everything. If I don’t get some space, there’s no way we’ll make it. If I do, we still might not.

I feel I have no choice here — stay in the marriage and make everyone else happy, or leave and make them all miserable. Is it wrong to get out and see if you can make your way back?

No. It is wrong to act with ulterior motives, but it is not wrong to save yourself first if that is the only way you can envision saving your marriage.

Your calculation is clear — staying kill the marriage, leaving

kill the marriage — and it says to go. But you can’t take yourself so easily at your own word, not yet. You need to be fiercely honest with yourself about your true goal: Do you want a chance at reconciliation, or do you want out? Both can be valid; this is just not the time to be disingenuous. Or timid.

Also keep in mind: Whether separation ultimately saves your marriage is irrelevant. You don’t justify the choice through the outcome, but instead through the careful consideration of your present conditions — which sound bad for you and “everyone else.”

If by “everyone” you mean children, too, then don’t assume staying makes everyone “happy.” Kids’ needs are abundant and clear and best served by stability. An intact home, however, can also be unstable; make decisions toward a family that functions emotionally, not just one that shares space.