Children supporting parents can result in dilemma

requested the move, and they are happy with their new home and environment.

“Over the years, we have given my in-laws money, always in amounts we could afford,” the husband wrote. “They are often short of money for emergencies or medical bills. They have modest pensions and Social Security that covers their basic expenses. Before the move, we took pictures of my father-in-law’s password because we thought the scraps of paper might get lost. After the move, I logged in to their checking account and found that they participate in online gambling, often hundreds of dollars a month. Should we confront them — or let them continue to play a shell game with their remaining money? My wife is unable to confront her father, and I am inclined to let the chips fall where they may.”

Here’s what I would recommend.

Have a family meeting. The first order of business: a confession and request for forgiveness.

However well meaning, this couple has come into information they shouldn’t have. Unless the parents said it was OK to view their checking account, there’s been an authorized access and a huge violation of their privacy.

Ask if it’s OK to discuss what was found. If the parents say no, the reader and his wife have to respect that. If the parents say yes, only then can the daughter and son-in-law share the objection of providing supplementary funds at the same time that there’s a waste of money via gambling.

Or this might be a case where caring trumps privacy. Out-of-character gambling or excessive spending might indicate failing cognitive abilities or the onset of dementia. Seek medical advice if you suspect this might be the situation. There also might be an addiction problem, in which case you can recommend they seek help from Gamblers Anonymous.

If the gambling is part of a larger issue of financial mismanagement, I suggest the parents seek budgeting assistance from a nonprofit consumer-counseling agency. Refer them to the National Foundation for Credit Counseling.

If you’re assisting your parents financially, ask to see a budget and bank statements because an intervention might be necessary. You don’t want to enable them to live above their means — or yours.