Sister-in-law’s thin skin a recipe for loneliness

pregnant — and I try to be very affirming of her parenting choices. I also try to keep our conversations focused more on her and how she’s doing.

But when she inevitably asks me what I’ve been up to, I feel like I can’t say anything without offending her. It just doesn’t seem like we have anything in common anymore. Will we ever be close again?

It certainly isn’t in general, though it may well be with her. Hard to say.

One issue that is tough to overcome is thin skin. Someone who takes offense no matter what you say is not capable of being close with anyone. It’s simple emotional math: She takes offense frequently, so you learn to be vigilant in guarding what you say, so your close relationship gets replaced by superficiality. It’s sad.

And, for her, it’s a recipe for loneliness. Being the primary caregiver of a small child is one of the toughest times to find the energy to be a good friend, and one of the toughest times to become alienated from friends.

The contradiction of pushing away something badly needed comes through in your description. She sighs out a bunch of mustbe-nice laments about free time, but doesn’t accept free time offered to her by other caregivers?

I think asking her about the mixed message is a chance to get a useful answer. “It sounds like you miss your free time, understandably. But it also appears you’d rather bring Toddler than leave her home with Husband. You seem torn — or am I misreading?”

You can also answer her questions with a bigger answer: “When you ask what I’m up to, I feel uncomfortable. I’m not sure what to say.” You’re clearly making an effort to be sensitive to her needs; maybe now, give her a chance to tell you what they are.