With custody settled, parent can disengage from battle
disadvantage. Last month I finally won my court case and retain full custody of my daughter.
They asked me not to hold the custody battle against them but I do. I hate them, and I always will. They say they did it for my daughter, but they did it to punish me for surviving the car wreck that killed my girlfriend even though the other driver was at fault, and to replace their daughter with mine.
My parents are supervising their visits with my daughter now. My mom told me she’d like to invite them for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and I said absolutely not. We’ve been fighting about it ever since.
They say I’m just holding a grudge, and it’s bad for my daughter. How can I make my parents see how wrong they are?
Your question could just as easily be phrased, “How can I make this fight go on for the rest of our lives?”
It would make things easier for you if your parents understood your position, of course. They could say the same thing, though — if they could just “make” you “see” that it would be good for your daughter if you forgave these parents ...
Notice where this leads you? Into an endless loop of arguing and rearguing your core convictions.
You don’t even need to win this argument, for what it’s worth, because you have full autonomy; if your parents invite your late girlfriend’s parents, then you can choose not to be there.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Your goal of winning this argument doesn’t serve you, so I urge you to set a new, achievable one: disengaging from battles you don’t need to win. All that requires is a polite refusal. “You have my answer. I won’t discuss it anymore.”
It’s still your prerogative to say whatever you want — but why not choose words that pre-empt such arguments? “I am still angry at what they put me through and will not share my holidays with them.”
It also helps to focus on what you have in common with people to counteract an issue that drives you apart. In this case, your common interests are both obvious and urgent: Honoring the woman you all loved, and nurturing your girl. A loving and stable home environment and extended family would accomplish both. Acknowledging your parents’ point of view, even as you decline to do as they ask, can advance that cause.