Spouse shouldn’t overlook divorce as option to controlling husband

I’ve tried to talk with my husband to make him understand what I am going through. Since his family is his norm, he doesn’t fully comprehend.

He now has meltdowns on a weekly basis that include the silent treatment and sometimes name-calling. I have three small children and a household to care for — he helps out at home only when and if he feels like it, and usually nothing too taxing. I also am the sole provider for my household.

I may have the opportunity to move for my job. I think perhaps physical distance from his family might work. Does it ever help in these situations? It is the only thing I haven’t reasonably tried.

No, it’s not. You haven’t tried divorce.

I’m not saying you should have, just that you haven’t.

Generally I avoid pointing out things people hardly need to be told, but the blind spot in your letter seems so vast I feel compelled to make an exception: Divorce is a valid legal and emotional remedy for 23 years of pain and buffer against 23 more.

Life is too short? Maybe. I say life is too long to justify spending its duration with an apparently capable partner who doesn’t contribute emotional support, income, or proportionate domestic effort — you don’t even mention love, anywhere — and who does contribute selfishness, stress, poor boundaries, a nasty family, and weekly meltdowns/ name-callings/silent treatments.

I’m glad you found therapy helpful and I’m glad your boundaries with his family have held. But that’s only Part 1.

Please explore Part 2 in consultation with a very good lawyer, and in therapy again, solo. Read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. Don’t skimp on self- and childpreservation, or safety, especially given a possible relocation.