After messy family divorce, treat mother-in-law with sympathy
Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law has very unkind things to say about my exsister-in-law, and, as a woman, I deplore how my brother-in-law handled his divorce. I am really struggling with my relationship with her. I just don’t trust her. I can’t help but feel if I were in the ex-sister-in-law’s shoes, she would be talking about me in the same way.
I have maintained a respectful relationship with my mother-inlaw, but I do not want to be close to her.
— Daughter-in-law
That’s fair. Though it might help if you tack a “right now” onto your thoughts. “My motherin-law has very unkind things to say right now.” “I just don’t trust her right now.” “I do not want to be close to her right now.”
Divorce unhinges people; a son who is suffering, even a grown one, can certainly unhinge a mama bear. Maybe that’s too kind; maybe she’s terrible and her son’s worse and the divorce merely exposed it all, but it is possible she’s just reacting terribly, which would allow for her to return to a gentler version of herself in due time.
The best-case scenario for you, your spouse and your inlaws is for you all to be in each other’s lives for a very long time, yes? So, even when it’s appropriate to question an in-law’s behavior or trustworthiness, it’s also pragmatic to look for reasons to forgive and forget anything that falls short of being terrible.
I hope you also recognize the decency in standing up for your ex-sister-in-law, with gentle good nature. Such as: “Yikes, what do you say about me when I’m not here? I’m never leaving the room again.” Warm hyperbole lets you clap back with mittens on. If she responds defensively, then stand firm on an unassailable point: “I understand your hard feelings — but I consider(ed) her a friend. This hurts.”
If she and your brother-in-law prove they’re truly terrible, versus fleetingly so, then you can always drop the “right now” and make respectful distance your thing.
Certainly some trashings have consequences. But experience tells me the average backstabber reliably comes out worse in the end than the backstabbee.
If the context of what you’ve known about her up till now supports it, then there might be grounds to see your mother-in-law as an object of sympathy. If nothing else, it’s a disciplined exercise to view her with the kind of humanity that she has been unable to summon for her own ex-daughter-in-law.