Firm corrections for rude friend more kindly than banishment

Dear Carolyn: A group of 10 ladies gets together weekly, and we do an annual trip together. Nine of us are frustrated by one friend who does not have group social skills. She interrupts constantly, asking questions that would be answered if one could finish one’s story. She dominates conversations. We find ourselves going silent to control the constant chatter. Nine of us are miserable.

I have had a oneon-one which seemed well-received, but no progress came from it. Total alienation seems like the only solution at this point. — J.

“Totally silent” to a “one-on-one” to “total alienation” sounds like a logical sequence only if your goal is never to say anything out loud.

Speaking up would be “mean.” Right?

Yet it doesn’t take much scrutiny to see that silently cutting a 10-person group to nine is just about the meanest thing there is.

And once you see this, then you can also recognize that when an interrupted speaker says to the oafish friend, out loud, “Would you please let me finish?” ... pause ... “Thank you” — every single time — it is an act of comparative kindness.

So take this on. Every single one of you who has a problem with her manners. Kindly, firmly, clearly, let her know when she oversteps: “Thanks for your observation, Rudi. I’d also like to hear what others have to say.”

No piling on! One voice per incident with one gentle redirection. The more of you taking a turn, the better.

Maybe she’ll eventually get it. Maybe, for her, it’s ungettable.

Maybe she will find these conversational guardrails so insulting, she’ll opt out.

And maybe you’ll just end up at the exact same “only solution” you already suggested. But even then, if it does come to the point where none of you invites her to anything anymore, it won’t hit her abruptly. Instead, she’ll have had a grace period in which several people who care about her openly identified behaviors of hers that were out of line.

That’s still not a guarantee she’ll get the message, but at least it gives her a fighting chance while also making it clear rudeness won’t stand.

Dear Carolyn: Can you help me convince my friend that multi-level marketing is basically a pyramid scheme?

My friend subscribes to every trend. Now I find out that, because she knows people who “work their butts off” in multi-level marketing, the business must work. So far, no information I’ve presented to her will help. I’ve run out of ideas.

— Skeptical Friend You can’t tell people things they aren’t ready to hear. I’m sorry.