Rather than explaining husband’s absences, accept them

Dear Carolyn: I am struggling to balance my husband’s relationship with my family. My family adores him and wants to spend time with him. He acts fine with them but is grumpy with me.

My husband is an introvert. I respect his needs and only ask him to attend a few family events a year. I limit family visits to my house.

But this weekend, he told me that if it was up to him, he would never see my family again. He said he was willing to spend time with them because he loves me, but it makes him miserable.

Dealing with him before family events often ruins the event for me. I love him and understand all marriages involve compromise, but I cannot agree never to invite my parents to my house ever again. — Torn

Introversion alone does not explain such a wholesale rejection when (apparently) he is accepted.

His sour moods are such strong deterrents to his seeing your family, they’re a de facto refusal to see them — and such refusals are outliers even with spouses whose in-laws torment them (and who should opt out).

Plus, his acting out emotionally is juvenile.

There is something you can do on your behalf and possibly on his: Your struggle is to balance, so stop balancing. Stop trying to manage your husband’s interactions with your family, or his emotions, or your family’s desire to see him. Hereafter, you are not a diplomat for anyone with anyone else.

Represent only you. See your family as you wish. Plan to visit them, plan to host them, keep in touch.

Keep your husband informed and empowered, and that’s it: “Unless you know of a schedule conflict, I’m going to see (family) next (date).” “I plan to invite (family) here. Any objections to (date)? You can join us or make other plans for that day, up to you.” Agree on a visit frequency upfront to pre-empt arguments.

It may seem awkward, but that’s just because you’re in marriage mode. My suggestion is roommate mode, where you do your family thing, he does his, and you accommodate each other.

Likewise, you do not serve as spokes-spouse for your absentee husband, except to present facts. “He won’t be joining us.” (“Why?” they will ask.) “He asked not to be included in these gatherings.” Then, you speak only for you: “It’s not what I prefer, but I chose to honor his request because the alternative was to drag him here.”

If you’re not ready to explain further, then say so, say you’re OK, his introversion is the short answer, and thanks for their concern.

What matters now, regardless, is removing yourself from the middle. Exist in your marriage and exist in your family without tearing yourself in two.

Write to Carolyn — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost.com.