Wife should speak up on husband’s opt-out of caring for parents

Dear Carolyn: My husband, “John,” is the oldest of three children. His siblings, “Bill” and “Sue,” both live where they all were raised. Both parents are in declining health. Over the years, Sue has taken on the lion’s share of caring for them. She is a nurse, so she is the logical person for medical issues.

Bill and his wife help out when specifically asked, but that is all. We have regularly sent money to Sue to help with expenses.

Mom and Dad tend to call on Sue, believing her work is less important than Bill’s. They recently agreed to have someone help once a week, but now Sue spends time managing her, so while she is relieved of some physical work, she is still involved.

Sue is about to change jobs and is concerned she will no longer be as flexible to tend to her parents’ needs. She has spoken with Bill and his wife, who have said they will try to help. When I suggested to my husband the three of them get on the phone and come up with a plan, he told me it “wasn’t his problem” and that he had too much else on his mind. Bill’s attitude is similar.

I’m just a sister-in-law, so I have no real say, obviously. But when I talk with Sue, as I do regularly to provide some emotional support, I can see she is at the end of her rope. I feel terrible that she carries this burden, but don’t know how I can help. — Frustrated

You can choose not to retreat in the face of a ridiculous, entitled, sexist response from your husband about the responsibility for his parents’ end-of-life care.

You’re not “just” a sisterin-law here; you’re a spouse. That you’ve described your role relative to Sue and not John says you have let yourself be suckered into the notion that this is Sue’s story. Sue, Bill and John have equal standing and equal responsibility here, and that math doesn’t change just because Sue is the only one showing up for it.

Technically, of course, your husband is right. His parents’ well-being is his problem only if he chooses for it to be, and Sue herself has chosen to assume this burden. There is no law or contract in force here.

But this interpretation of who owes what to whom rests on definitions of obligation and choice that take zero account of moral imperatives. Your husband just stated, in so devastatingly few words, that he is perfectly comfortable leaving the messy stuff to everyone else simply because he can.

Unless there is some backstory here that would excuse your husband of any moral debt to his sister or to the people who raised him, his dismissiveness betrays an utter failure of character. If nothing else, please, stand up openly for Sue. Tell John, steadily, it’s his “problem” as much as it is Sue’s. Never let him think free rides are actually free.

Write to Carolyn — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost.com.