Climate convention full of hot air

If climate change deniers held a convention: The National Association of Climate Change Deniers and Science Skeptics will hold its annual convention in Alarmingly Hot Springs, Arkansas, this week.

The event is expected to draw a large contingent of skeptics, including people who believe the Earth is flat, people who believe the Earth is only 6,000 years old and people who believe that God is removing glaciers from the Earth to make it easier to drill for oil.

The convention will begin with the traditional Parade of Defiance, featuring SUVS with their catalytic converters

removed to maximize pollutants spewed into the atmosphere.

The host city, however, forbade organizers from having children march behind the vehicles in an attempt to demonstrate that vehicle emissions are harmless to future generations.

“These people can be a tad unhinged,” said a local official.

The entire event will be paid for by coal magnates, but none of them will be there. Nor will leading conservative politicians who typically lead the charge against climate regulations.

Sources say the magnates and politicians value the conventiongoers’ support but want to distance themselves from their often-questionable behavior.

“Last year, a few conventioneers were diving off hotel balconies,” a source said. “And it wasn’t completely clear whether they were just drunk or actually expressing their contempt for the idea of gravity. It’s not a good look, either way.”

The attendees will choose from an array of seminars and classes at the three-day event, including:

• “Where Do Babies Come From? Alternative Theories the Liberal Media Don’t Want You to Know About”

• “The Handwashing Lie: How Big Soap Created ‘Germs’ to Sell More Product”

• “100 Things You Can Do With the Abundant Carbon God Has Blessed Us With”

The convention has attracted the interest of President Donald Trump, who has called climate change a “hoax.”

Trump, in an effort seemingly timed to coincide with the convention, is expected to issue an executive order this week banning the use of Fahrenheit and Celsius temperature scales because both were invented by Europeans. He hinted at it in a tweet — with characteristic misspellings — yesterday:

“From now on, we’re going to have AMERICAN TEMPATURES ONLY folks!!! No more of this fake Farunheight and Calcium stuff that makes it sound hotter than it is!!!”

The tweet drew praise for its boldness from some arriving early for the convention. But others weren’t so impressed.

“The real problem with climate science is this ridiculous theory that the Earth revolves around the sun and not vice-versa,” said one unimpressed convention-goer. “I’ll believe Trump is a true denier when he takes on that one.”

This will be the third annual convention, which has previously met in Ominously Warm Springs, Georgia, and Truth Or Dire Consequences, New Mexico.

Joe Blundo is a columnist for the Dispatch. joe.blundo@gmail.com @joeblundo