Frank financial talk with older parents is essential

Can we talk? Those three words can be the beginning of a difficult conversation. In a romantic relationship, they might mean that something is wrong and a long-overdue discussion is needed.

But what if the talk you need to have is with your mom or dad?

You’ve noticed some things are off. Your mother, who was fastidious about keeping her home clean, now doesn’t notice the clutter. Your father was manic about paying bills on time, but now payment notices are stacked on the table unopened.

Then there are the memory lapses. You find yourself in a disturbing loop during your visits as your mom or dad

tell you the same story.

Cameron Huddleston nearly waited too long for a conversation with her mother. But after realizing that something was wrong, she got her mother to update essential estate-planning documents. Fortunately, it was before her mother’s mental health deteriorated to the point where she would not have been competent to sign the legal papers.

Huddleston then turned her attention to her mother’s financial situation. But by then, her mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

The mail was piling up, and Huddleston wasn’t sure what bills had been paid or where all her mom’s bank and investment accounts were. She had to take over and figure things out without much input from her mother.

Motivated by her experience, Huddleston, who has been writing about personal finance for more than 17 years, has written “Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations with Your Parents About Their Finances.”

Don’t assume your parent has it all together, she says.

Think, Huddleston urges, about all the people you know who’ve had to get involved with their parents’ finances as a result of a health or financial emergency.

“It’s so much harder to be reactive than proactive, especially because emotions and the stress of a crisis situation can get in the way of a rational response,” she said. “Plus it can be a whole lot more expensive.”

One of the keys to a successful talk with your parents is knowing what not to say.

“Remember how frustrated you felt when you were a teenager and thought you knew everything and your parents were constantly reminding you that you didn’t? That’s how they are going to feel if you start acting like the parent and treating them like naive kids,” Huddleston advised.

But what do you do if your parents rebuff your efforts to discuss their finances?

Several chapters address this predicament. It helps to figure out why they are unwilling. It could be they don’t trust you. And they might have good reason for that. How are you handling your own finances?

Or your parents might be reluctant to share their information because they fear losing their independence.

Huddleston provides an excellent step-by-step guide to navigate what can be time-consuming, uncomfortable conversations.

Readers can write to Michelle Singletary c/o The Washington Post, 1301 K St., N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071. Her email address is michelle.singletary@ washpost.com.