Only so much you can help; partner must resolve own struggles
Carolyn Hax
Hi Carolyn: My partner completed an undergraduate degree but struggled to find a career in that industry. Under pressure from family, they followed and struggled through a career path they hated for two years before deciding to go back to college to complete another undergraduate in something they thought they would prefer as a career path.
Their mental health meant this was a difficult adjustment, and while I’m supporting them through it, they are still questioning if even now this is their right career path. How can I keep helping them when they don’t know what they want to do? — E.
Foremost, you need to define “help” so that it’s a manageable size for one person who is not directly involved.
This is your partner’s struggle, and it’s bigger than just a career. By my count, there’s a mental health issue, a bad fit with the first career choice, an overinvolved family, your partner’s own susceptibility to pressure from said family (and possibly external pressure in general), an intemperance in decision-making that is now responsible for two unsatisfying, tuition-based, two- or four-year educations, and possibly a second bad career fit.
That’s a lot. So it’s understandable you want to help, much more so than you would if your partner were just having a bad week. But the role of even the most loving, involved bystander is to understand that you can’t jump in and fix it — and short of emergency intervention, you ultimately are just as limited in your options in the face of a full breakdown as you are with the bad week. You can love, encourage, listen, play devil’s advocate, offer ideas, do a few extra chores, even underwrite the whole thing financially, if you are able and willing (“support” can have two meanings here, and you don’t specify which).
But you can’t be the one who: seeks mental health care; does the hard emotional work; gains the self-knowledge; chooses the career; gets training or education; and sets and holds the boundaries with family.
If your partner is not ready to do these, then you need to decide how to maintain your own well-being as your partner figures out how to get to that point.
A good therapist can help you here, if the true north of understanding your limits is not enough to guide you.
In the offering-ideas department: May I suggest that you suggest the following to your partner? Put the second degree on hold; find tolerable work that pays enough bills; and shift full emphasis to mental health. Not just for treatment, but toward peace of mind.
Life choices made under pressure — external especially, but internal, too — tend to breed regrets.
Write to Carolyn — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost.com.