Sympathy for daughter-in-law might help patch things up
Carolyn Hax
Dear Carolyn: My oldest son has informed me he is finished with family gatherings (which he said are “like a circus”) and wants to visit only my husband and me in the future. The “circus” consists of his two brothers, their wives and one granddaughter. The excuse is that he and his wife have traveled 200 miles to see us and are too tired to participate in family get-togethers.
I suspect the real reason for my oldest son’s hesitation is my granddaughter, and now a coming baby. My oldest son’s wife learned she cannot have children after great medical trials, after which she was devastated. In the past she has complained about us through my son. She once told him she never wanted to see us again, but changed — why I don’t know — and now is willing to come here. We are never invited to their home, the excuse being the apartment is too small.
She was an only child and is selfish at times, and self-centered, making many nonmedical dietary demands and acting as she pleases when here. The acting out has been fine with me, I accommodate every wish, but to cut my son off from his brothers and their children is too much. I realize he is colluding with her and also responsible, but what should we as parents do? How can we keep our family gatherings together? — At a Loss
It’s “too much,” meaning ... what — you’re not going to stand for it? And if so, what does not-standingfor-it look like: Do you shun her and your son from now on? Do you send someone to seize them and deliver them to your holiday table?
I’m not saying this to be facetious. This is obviously a painful and regrettable development in an already challenging family history. But one of the least productive ways to act on hard feelings is to make grand pronouncements that can’t reasonably be put to use.
In this case, my guess is this isn’t “too much,” really, because you will deal with it; what choice do you have? It’s just a particularly tough development to absorb because it’s a shot to the heart of what matters to you.
I also think it’s an excellent opportunity to look at it as the latest point in a sequence of tensions — and treat the whole tension, not just the issue at hand.
So, that’s where you get to work: Patch this up. Go back to all of the negative judgments you have made of your daughter-in-law where there was room for doubt, and think of ways to give her the benefit of that doubt. Think of it as a forced recalibration toward sympathy.
Maybe some of this sympathy won’t feel warranted. Maybe it’s not. But you’re not going to get your big happy circus back by demanding it in anger. If you are going to get it back, it will be through compassion, patience, flexibility, humility and love. Dig as deeply for these as you must.
Write to Carolyn — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost.com.