Good friend shows no interest in writer’s young daughter

strained.

I thought originally that she just isn’t a kid person, but she has nieces and nephews that she babysits and takes on day outings. I am beginning to think it is personal and she doesn’t care for my daughter. Do I just resign myself to the fact that she is a good friend for when I am alone and without my child? — Anonymous

Yes. When you make it that easy, I’m happy to return the favor.

There is a funny thing we do when we’re talking about people as offspring versus as people in general. In the latter case, we are OK with discussing whether we click with them or not; it’s a neutral discussion. Bring in a parent-child tie, though, and neutrality flees the scene.

This is easier to explain by example: Let’s say your daughter, “Jane,” isn’t your daughter, but instead your 32-year-old friend. If your neighbor-friend tended not to stop by when Jane’s car was in your driveway, then you presumably would 2-plus-2 that without much distress.

If Jane were your mom or sister, you probably still wouldn’t blink. If Jane were your spouse, then maybe you would feel somewhat injured, but you still would accept that your neighbor-friend wasn’t a huge Jane fan.

Meaning, in these cases, you wouldn’t take it personally that Jane and your neighbor-friend’s views or temperaments or personalities didn’t mesh.

Hurt feelings, of course, are a different story. And if you can’t set those aside, then approach your friend kindly, giving her an out: “I get the sense you and Jane don’t click” — and say you are accepting of that, if a bit sad — “but if there is a different reason, maybe I can help?”

Again — if you feel stuck. It is OK sometimes to take your facts without explanations.