Guests invited to bash should not pay for it

Michelle Singletary

During a recent online discussion, I received a comment that necessitates revisiting a column that generated quite a bit of condemnation from millennials who thought I was out of touch with how young people roll today.

In the column, I put out a passionate plea for people to stop charging me to attend their celebrations, such as a birthday or anniversary party or the impending birth of a child. I included the hashtag #guestsdontpay.

"I remember that column, and my reaction to it was

'That's not how life as a young person works,'" the reader wrote. "I'm in my mid-30s now, and still when my friend group arranges to go out for someone's birthday, promotion, etc., it's normal and expected that each person pays their own way. No one I know can foot the bill for an entire group's restaurant and bar tab. If we all stuck to the 'You invite, you pay' rule, we'd never have any celebrations."

I'm not talking about casual gatherings in which friends or family members decide to meet at a restaurant to celebrate something. In that case, the expectation is that you pay your own way.

I specifically mean that if you send an invitation asking people to attend your fillin-the-blank occasion, you are therefore the host of said celebration. And as host, the expectation is that the folks do not pay for the privilege of being in your presence.

Asking guests to pitch in for the party can put them in an awkward financial position if they weren't aware of this new etiquette.

But I really want to address these sentiments in the reader's statement:

•"No one I know can foot the bill for an entire group's restaurant and bar tab."

•"If we all stuck to the 'you invite, you pay' rule, we'd never have any celebrations."

Is it really the rule now that it's OK to shift the financial burden of your desired celebration to your equally financially challenged guests?

This custom now of splitting the cost of the party— without, or even with, the knowledge of the partygoers— is an example of having an entitled mentality.

If you're still struggling to pay down student loans along with your friends, host something at home. Parties should be about the people, not the place.

Or, given your financial situation, you have to be OK with your special day coming and going without a group gathering.

I know that over time, social norms change. Still, young or old, you are not entitled to a restaurant bash with your friends if you don't have the cash to treat them like guests ought to be treated.

This is about living within your means. And, yes, this might mean living with celebration limitations.

Readers can write to Michelle Singletary c/o The Washington Post, 1301 K St., N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071. Her email address is michelle. singletary@washpost.com.