Where your taxpayer dollar goes, nobody knows
When the concrete has set, the last box seat is in place and the new Crew stadium is ready for major league soccer, the Arena District would benefit from a few good street magicians.
I've given this some thought, to the point that I have roughed out the framework of a potential routine. I have based it on the labyrinthian financing arrangements and public spending disclosures made as the team oversees construction of its new stadium.
Imagine that a couple walks toward a magician stationed just outside the stadium.
“Do you have a dollar?” he asks them. “Give me a dollar.”
It is date night, so they decide to play along and hand the magician a dollar. They have seen street magicians turn $1 bills into $100 bills. That would go a long way toward covering
Arena District parking.
“I will make this dollar disappear before your very eyes, and you will be unable to ascertain its whereabouts no matter how closely you watch me!”
The pair look at each other and shrug. They are beginning to suspect they might lose the dollar, but it is all in good fun.
The performer pulls a black permanent marker from his ear.
“To be sure I have not switched dollars, would you please both write your names on your dollar?”
They do; perhaps they aren't losing their dollar after all.
“Perfect,” he says, inspecting the signatures. “Now we will know for sure that this is your dollar.”
He waves the pen so dramatically that they expect it to disappear. They realize too late that this was misdirection. Their dollar has vanished from his hands.
“Thank you, thank you!” he says. And then he walks away, toward another couple to begin his schtick again.
“Hold up, what happened to our dollar?”
He looks at them, seemingly perplexed.
“How should I know?”
“But you're the magician. What kind of a magic trick is that?”
“I never said it was a magic trick. But I'm sure it's behind me, somewhere in there.”
He gestures toward the stadium. “Where?”
“Who's to say exactly? Maybe it's in one of the 34 luxury suites, or the “climate controlled club lounge. It might be buried under the field or poured inside one of those concrete support columns. I really couldn't tell you, but I'm sure it got where it was supposed to go.”
So we give you a dollar and you just wave your wand and that's it? What was the point of us signing it? It's gone and you don't know where?”
“Were you even watching? I most certainly did not wave a wand. But your dollar is gone, yes.”
They are beginning to feel like dupes. “This is a lousy trick.”
“I've already told you, it isn't a trick. You really just need to ask someone else where your dollar went. The team owners, probably. I am merely a conduit.”
“As magician, I'm satisfied with our process,” he continued. “If you aren't, you might inquire of that gentleman over there. We work together.”
They walk over to the second street magician and explain their dilemma.
“I can't help you find the dollar you gave him,” he said. “These are what you might call ‘low-transparency' transactions. But if you give me another dollar, I can make that vanish and definitely tell you where it ends up.”
Against their better judgment, they fork over another dollar. They'd like to see at least one trick through to completion.
This time, there is no signing of the bill and little fanfare. The magician makes a quick fist. Voila! The bill is gone from his hand.
“OK, now show us where it went.” “No, it doesn't work that way.” “What kind of magicians are you guys?”
“I never said I was a magician.” “You're wearing a cape and a top hat.” “OK, OK. Geesh. You two are pushy. I cannot tell you precisely where your dollar went, but I can give you a general idea of where it is and where it isn't. It most definitely is NOT in the stadium. I have no connection to the stadium.
“Of this, I am certain. Your dollar is in the parking garage. Or maybe that pedestrian bridge over there. Or possibly in other infrastructure. But it did not go toward soccer, that much I can tell you.”
He pointed to a third magician. “You should try her next. Her routine is great. She takes your dollar and it ends up possibly in a nearby mixed-used development.”
“No thanks, we've had enough magic for tonight. We're late as it is.”
They walk for a while in silence toward a gate.
“Has the match started yet?”
“No idea. Somewhere along the way those clowns took my phone and watch.” tdecker@dispatch.com @Theodore_decker