Start making peace with in-law from place of sympathy

Dear Carolyn: It is becoming increasingly clear that my mother-in-law doesn’t like me. Whenever we spend time together as a family, during holidays, vacations or casual barbecues, we always sit and have conversations about current events, what our three kids are up to, their plans for travel, etc. No matter what I say, she has to one-up me, or disagree with me. She also makes little demeaning comments about what I do, eat, dress and even how I spend my time. It has gotten so bad that now I don’t want to spend any time around her.

They are wonderful grandparents and love the children, but I hate for them to see how she treats me. I asked my husband to talk to her, but now I’m afraid I’ve asked too much because I don’t think he knows what to say. I’m also afraid it will put a wedge between my husband and me. Should I be the one to confront her or talk to her?

— Lost

I won’t say in-laws who like each other are the exception — because I don’t actually know that, for one, and it’s also terribly cynical — but it’s easy to see why it’s such a hard relationship. Folding a life partner into the family changes the whole dynamic. It changes relationships within the nuclear family. Sometimes less than others, sometimes for the better, but change is change and it’s hard.

It’s hard for you, too, no doubt, to feel as if you’re living inside an endless negative review. But it’s worth thinking for a moment anyway how your mother-in-law feels.

Try on the idea that she just liked things better before. That she felt more comfortable with her son when you weren’t around. Or there are other unwelcome changes — in her son, in herself or her health, in her pandemicrestricted life — and you’re the easiest receptacle for her angst.

Since you’d rather be with her son without her around, too (and you’re stuck at home, and she’s growing more annoying to you over time, etc.), surely you can sympathize with any discomfort. Obviously it would be better if she faced her discomfort, squared up and made nice. But not everyone is that strong, evolved or mature.

I’m not suggesting this so you can excuse her; it’s about repositioning yourself. A place of sympathy, if you can get there, would be a powerful starting point for making peace with your mother-in-law. Specifically, it would allow you to frame her as counterpart instead of antagonist, and therefore risk being more vulnerable than defensive.

An example of how that plays out: She: [snippy comment].

You, gently: Ouch. Did you mean to criticize my outfit/dish/choice?

Instead of “confronting,” or taking offense and withdrawing — which lets her remarks stand as last words — invite her in the moment to find mutual understanding. Invite her to connect.

You don’t have to like each other, but proffered grace is a start.

If she uses your overtures as a chance to get meaner, then don’t abandon the tactic — kindly stick to it. Use it when your husband is there, so he’ll know what to say.