Woman weighs trip with mom who won’t accept gay sister
Dear Carolyn: I have no idea what the right decision is here. We’re a family of three adult sisters. My sister “Leah” is estranged from our mom because Mom won’t accept that she’s gay. My other sister, “May,” wants to plan a family trip — POST-COVID, of course. We’ve traditionally done these trips every few years, and we meet in a central spot for a few days of fun.
Leah won’t vacation with Mom, which I understand and support. So do I go? I’d like to see Dad and May and the cousins, but, if I go, am I condoning Mom’s behavior? So I skip and hurt May? I’m just not sure what to do.
— Just Not Sure
If you skip, then it’s your mother hurting May — and hurting your father and these cousins — by forcing you all to choose between your mother and Leah. Which really isn’t a choice: You stand by your sister, not the person rejecting who she is.
And this is not about choosing to “condon[e] Mom’s behavior” or not — it’s a choice between supporting or not supporting Leah.
That’s instantly clarifying, isn’t it? It works for any future decisions about family events, too. Ask yourself: “How do I best support Leah?” If it’s not obvious to you in any given moment, then you can put it to Leah herself. If she sees this as a responsibility she’s not comfortable bearing, a fair point, then call it by its true name, “How do I best serve my beliefs?”
You can stay close through individual visits. The only reunified family that isn’t a sellout is one that forms in solidarity behind Leah. Not that this is the reason to make the choices you do — but here’s hoping you inspire that result.
Ms. Hax: I have been dating a gentleman for 1 1/2 years. He’s a nice man.
Since the pandemic he has spent a lot more time with me, and every time I get on a call with a friend, he sulks, often seems upset, and storms off. He’s in his mid-40s so I find this behavior peculiar. He also often gets upset with me when I agree to outdoor, distanced gatherings with a friend who needs to talk; he admonishes me for days about not being cautious.
I am feeling a bit trapped and wanting to run. I have found myself changing who I am and walking on eggshells as a result of his behavior. I have suggested therapy and tried talking to him about it, but he deflects and turns it back on me. He is otherwise lovely, but this is extra stress during an already hard time.
— M.
Get out. Respect your impulse to run. It’s a healthy response to danger.
If he were putting you in a cage, then you’d have no doubt he was restricting your freedom. You say you’ve responded to his moody possessiveness by eggshell-walking, which restricts your freedom to be yourself. Just because it is psychological doesn’t mean it’s not a cage.
Pandemia teems with mentalhealth challenges, but don’t lump in possessiveness, control or blaming. They star on lists of predictors for abuse.
NEW YORK – Malala Yousafzai is a Nobel laureate known around the world for her activism, but she’s also a cartoon fan, and is taking her love of television and film to Apple TV+.
Yousafzai, 23, who graduated from Oxford last June, announced Monday that she has partnered with Apple in a multi-year deal to develop dramas, documentaries, comedies, animation and series for kids.
Yousafzai was the youngest winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, in 2014, for working to protect children from slavery, extremism and child labor. In her home country, Pakistan, she was outspoken in insisting that girls have a right to an education. She was shot in the head by a Taliban gunman while riding a school bus at age 15. She recovered and went on to fight against girls’ oppression worldwide.
This interview has been edited for clarity and brevity.
AP: Your new deal with Apple includes comedy and animated shows. Are you a comedy fan?
Yousafzai: In my childhood, it was Cartoon Network and, you know, seeing “Tom and Jerry,” “Courage,” “Scooby Doo” and all of those TV cartoon shows. When you are a child – and especially when terrorism started – to know that there is sort of this world in cartoons where you can escape from the reality around you and just giggle and laugh and just entertain yourself. You know, I have been watching comedy movies from Bollywood to Hollywood, and I am a big fan of animation as well. I have not missed a single animation movie. It just keeps you engaged and entertained and also gives you very beautiful messages.
AP: You’ll also be developing documentaries and maybe covering your world travels to help girls?
Yousafzai: I definitely want to do documentaries and non-scripted shows, and it will cover a lot – hopefully my own journey as well – and the incredible girls that I meet…. But there’s so much more to explore and to learn. I’m excited. You know, I’m still at the stage where I’m exploring ideas. I can tell you that there are so many incredible ideas and it’s so difficult to pick and choose one.
AP: A stat on your website suggests it will take 100 years until all girls have access to education. Sometimes the news is so dark, how do you maintain hope?
Yousafzai: I think when you raise your voice, it can have an impact and it can bring change. What will make me pessimistic is if we don’t do anything. So as long as we keep doing our part, there is optimism, there is hope. I think it’s just the silence that keeps things going as they are.
AP: Many girls look up to you as a hero. Who are your heroes?
Yousafzai: I have many, many heroes, from my parents to historical figures like Benazir Bhutto, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela. But the people who have actually and truly inspired me are the young girls that I have met in my journey. Girls from Iraq to Brazil, Nigeria, Kenya. So many of these girls have incredible stories that they have seen – wars, conflicts. They have become displaced. They have been forced into marriages at early ages. But they do not give up on their dreams and they are still fighting for the right to education, for their right to a safe future. If they are not giving up on their fight for education, then why should we?