Controlling parents take fun out of being a grandparent

Dear Carolyn: I am the grandmother of five beautiful grandchildren under 5. They bring me immeasurable joy.

There is an ongoing battle of sorts with one household. These parents do not want ANY gifts or treats, large or small, except for birthdays and Christmas.

They put restrictions there as well. I (and the other grandmother) have so-called “forced their hand,” by apparently bending the rules too often.

I am not talking big items. A cake pop or a coloring book or sidewalk chalk, something homemade, etc. The thinking, of course, is that the bond is the time together vs. any “thing.”

Especially in times of COVID, delivering small surprises is a way to connect with them. We are not allowed in each other’s homes. If we do a Zoom activity, there can be no prizes, etc. Everything must be “approved” beforehand, or it will be whisked away.

It feels likes the years kids are “wowed” by small, fun gifts and surprises are fleeting. As are the years they can be “wowed” by grandparents! I know soon enough the gifts will be monetary.

My feelings are hurt by this. It feels like we are being told what/when we can gift. There seems to be no room for negotiating. They are sucking the fun out of being a grandparent.

— Hurt

You are being told how to Grandma! And it’s a fun-killer. I won’t argue with you there.

I’ve seen more than my share of relatives who ignore boundaries, though, and indeed “force parents’ hands” on limiting gifts — so I’m not declaring anyone blameless, at least not without more information. For all I know, you and the other grandma did force their hands.

But no hand belongs here, in an iron-fist, cake-pop police state. The extreme control and micromanagement you describe isn’t just chilling to any relationship you have with these grandkids, it’s disturbing in its own right. It is also, I am sorry to say, beyond your power to fix.

For one, it’s their prerogative and their business. It’s even their prerogative to mess it up. They can’t be negligently bad or criminally bad, but they can be garden-variety bad parents in a colorful array of ways and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it.

And, they’re not hearing reason. If they were, then they’d already know life is some degree of messy no matter how hard anyone wants it not to be — and they’d know that’s a good thing. The best strategy is to allow coloring books and save the crackdowns for things that actually matter.

So just drop it and behave. Stay close to these kids however their parents permit. We’re all exhausted right now and this is not the advice anyone wants, but it’s time to get resourceful. Use your search engine to see how prek/kindergarten teachers are keeping students engaged over Zoom. You can shower your grandbabies in silliness while no material goods change hands.

Time together, after all, is the thing for bonding, which these kids will need abundantly if their adults keep waging these battles for control.