Drama at Statehouse not doctor’s order
“General Hospital" is America’s longest-running TV soap opera. But I think a soap-opera set in the Ohio state legislature would be much more compelling.
Let’s call it “General Assembly Hospital.” Here is the script for the first episode:
Scene 1
An ambulance pulls up to the Ohio Statehouse, part of which has been converted into a hospital in the midst of the pandemic. The arriving patient, though ill with COVID-19, is reluctant to be wheeled inside.
“No, not here,” she cries. “Take me anywhere else. Even to a veterinarian.”
Inside, she finds some legislators wearing masks, others maskless and still others breathing heavily on random passers-by because it is their right to do so under the Constitution.
A triage nurse explains to the patient how things work at General Assembly
Hospital.
“We’ll prescribe a course of life-saving treatment based on sound medical advice.”
“Whew. That’s a relief,” the patient says.
“But at the end of 30 days, the legislature will have the authority to cancel those orders.”
“What? Why? Are they doctors, infectious disease experts, scientists?”
“Oh, they come from a wide variety of backgrounds: Life insurance, auctioneering, lawn care, mattress sales. You’re in good hands.”
Scene 2
The patient gets a bed in a drafty Statehouse hallway.
“When will I see a doctor?” she asks an attendant.
“Are you a utility lobbyist?” he asks. “No.”
“Oil and gas industry exec? National Rifle Association bigwig? Shadowy operative with control over a pool of dark money?”
“No, I’m just an everyday citizen who needs help,” the patient says.
The attendant leans in close and whispers: “I gotta be honest. A fourthgrader who wants the legislature to name ‘Roll Out the Barrel’ the official state polka has a better chance than you.”
Scene 3
After several days, the patient is finally seen by a legislative “medical team.” She explains that she has tested positive for the coronavirus.
A member of the team looks at her skeptically.
“So you have a cold,” he says. “Excuse me? I have coronavirus.” “Cold, coronavirus — same thing if you ask me. ”
“And you base that opinion on what?"
“Political considerations, my own narrow worldview and conspiracy theories I read on Facebook. What else Is there?”
Scene 4
The patient decides to check herself out of General Assembly Hospital. But first, she would like to sit in on a legislative session to see who these people with bizarre medical ideas really are.
As she approaches one of the legislative chambers, a doorman greets her.
“Welcome. Would you like to sit on the vaccinated or unvaccinated side?” “Vaccinated,” she says.
“2021 mindset or 1850 mindset?” “2021.”
“Rational or irrational?”
She sighs. “Never mind. Please direct me to the exit.”
“Straight ahead, turn left at the bloodletting clinic and then make a right when you see the sign that says “Magic Pendants.”
Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist joe.blundo@gmail.com @joeblundo