Reader wants to know how to break relationship pattern
Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I’m 24 and in my third serious relationship, and I recently asked my boyfriend for a break. Basically all three relationships seem to have followed the same pattern: me being very affectionate and loving toward my boyfriend; his being less affectionate, interested, or loving toward me; then over time, after issues and arguments, my feelings dwindling while his seemed to increase. It’s not like
I don’t communicate issues, either. I always discuss things after a disagreement, so they’re truly understood and put to rest. I always tell my boyfriends I want them to be more affectionate, but usually it doesn’t happen until way too late and I’ve slowly gotten over the relationship.
My first two were worse in the sense that their greater affection later on only hurt me, because it felt like, “I would have been way happier had this happened months ago.”
It ends after I’m fed up and my boyfriend is more in love, more affectionate with me and I can’t return it anymore. Why is this a pattern?
— Want To Break The Cycle
It sounds to me that you go all in right away with your affection, before you know these men well, while they’re following a slower trajectory — and so they’re less affectionate at first and more so later. They’re enjoying your company, but they don’t really know you yet, haven’t fallen for you yet, so the intensity you want from them upfront is something they’re not capable of giving you sincerely until later.
If this is true, then you haven’t had three serious relationships with three men. Instead, you’ve had one intense on-and-off relationship with romantic novelty. You’re “on” when someone is new,andyouswitch“off”whenfamiliarity creeps in.
Whether that’s a good guess or a terrible one, your problem is begging for some sessions with a therapist.
I routinely advise writers in this space to be wary of people who are only invested in a relationship when you lose interest in them. Let’s say the pace of your attachment to them was healthy all along, — but you became desirable to them only when you acquired more value through the sudden scarcity of your interest in them. That would say the problem is instead with the type of men you’re drawn to.
Either way, some time out of relationships can help you get your sense of self on straight.