Arriving empty-handed doesn’t feel right to girlfriend

Adapted from an online discussion. Hi Carolyn! I’ve recently started to attend family functions with my boyfriend. He always says I don’t need to bring anything but I never go anywhere empty-handed.

His mom is preparing the entire meal for the next event, including desserts. I’m a baker and usually bring desserts but Boyfriend says mom might be offended if I bring a dessert when she’s already taking care of that.

This party is for his sister’s birthday, and I don’t know her well enough to choose a gift and he won’t give me any ideas because he insists I don’t need to bring a gift. I asked if I could at least get a card, and he said he’ll add my name to his card — but he and his sister have been passing the same card back and forth for 12 years as a joke. This is their thing and I don’t want to impose. But I just can’t fathom going empty-handed. Any ideas as to what I can bring?

— Never Empty-handed

Tell Boyfriend you’d like to get in touch with his mother directly, if he won’t work with you on this.

Also tell him his “you don’t need to bring anything” is easy for him to say, and maybe even well-intended by letting you off the hook — but it actually puts you in an awkward position. He is seeing this through the family lens, but you are not family and you’re newish to everyone, so you don’t know how you’ll be judged.

You want to make a good impression. If he wants to set you up to succeed, then he either needs to give you a token way to contribute, or be more thoughtful in explaining his family culture to you, or connect you to his mom to find out for yourself.

If he resists all of these, then, whoo. That’s not a cooperative person.

Re: Empty-handed: I agree with Carolyn that it would be best if you could call the mom directly. I also like to take a small gift for the host/hostess at a party, but I would suggest never taking food to a dinner unless you have been asked to — for, say, a potluck. Don’t surprise them with a gift you expect them to serve at that very meal. Many cooks plan their whole meal and take pride in having everything from appetizer to dessert to wine selections. The exception would be if your food or drink gift is actually a gift, for the hosts to consume later, and in that case tell them that when you present it.

— Anonymous