Stepmother and stepdaughter formed close relationship over the years
LANCASTER — Many parents would no doubt agree that raising children can be both challenging and rewarding at times. But stepparents sometimes face additional challenges and rewards.
Brenda Kilbarger knows all about it. She had two stepmothers as a child and has been Holly Kilbarger’s stepmother for about 31 years now.
“I think that the biggest challenge as a stepmother is gaining respect,” Brenda Kilbarger said. “I think that there’s just so many different challenges when it comes to blending families. The kids are used to their way from the previous relationship and then somebody new walks in. I think there’s jealousy, and there’s a learning curve when it comes to actually getting together.”
She said she and Holly Kilbarger have had their trials and tribulations over the years but the two are close now and have worked they any issues they once had.
“How blessed I am that we have bonded and found common ground we can both build on,” Brenda Kilbarger said. “No relationship is perfect but our journey has been special and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
She said she has a Type-a personality who dives into things with both feet.
“Maybe that’s not the correct way to handle it sometimes,” Brenda Kilbarger said. “Because I’m either all in or all out. So when you have that kind of personality I think you set yourself up sometimes for disappointment. So I think it’s a learning curve for not only the stepdaughter, but also the stepmother.”
Besides having a stepdaughter, she also has a natural son and said the blended family has always been one family. She said being a stepmother has allowed her to have a daughter along with her natural son and having the female companionship her stepdaughter gives her.
Brenda Kilbarger also has stepgrandchildren and stepgreat-grandchildren, which she said can be challenging, though.
“They look at you differently,” she said. “As a step, you’re not my real grandma. Which can be hurtful, but understandable given the situation.”
But Brenda Kilbarger said she treats all of her grandchildren the same. For example, if one gets something they all
get something.
“When I do for one I do for all,” she said.
Holly Kilbarger said it was a rough adjustment to having a stepmother at first. But she said she now looks at Brenda Kilbarger as her mom instead of as her stepmother and her stepbrother as her natural brother. She also has three of her own children.
“I can’t say that I was the best stepdaughter there for a while,” she said. “But we have grown past that and I have really grown up. We’ve got a lot closer and hopefully that bond will never be broken between us. She’s my go-to person when I need to vent, especially with my real mother.
“Questions that I don’t know what to do or how to go about things. She’s my go-to. We talk almost every day or text. We’re constantly in communication one way or another. I’m getting married in September and without her I don’t know where I’d be today.”
Holly Kilbarger, whose natural mother is still alive, was 14 when Brenda Kilbarger became her stepmother.
“So not only are you stepping in as a stepparent, stepchild, you’re stepping in as a teenager going through those years,” Brenda Kilbarger said. “Which makes it even more challenging. Starting out being a teenager there’s some rebellion there anyway. So we go through that.”
She said the two had a rough patch about five years ago as adults.
“But I think that it brought us together and stronger,” Brenda Kilbarger said. “To where we are true friends and family. I think sometimes it just takes life experiences to bring that out. And maturity.”
For new stepparents, Brenda Kilbarger said to never give up.
“I think there’s a lot to be said for when things don’t go quite right, a lot people are willing to give up and have an “it’s not worth it” attitude,” she said. “My biggest piece of advice is don’t give up. That if it’s not working find what does.”
From the stepchild perspective, Holly Kilbarger said to look ahead and don’t be selfish.
“Give that person a chance,” she said of the stepparent. “Because I didn’t until I got older. You never know what you have until it’s gone. Then it’s like, ‘Oh. I need to wake up.’ So keep going.” jbarron@gannett.com 740-681-4340