When all the signs say it’s over, why even snoop for proof ?

Dear Carolyn: When someone is nearly certain that a partner has lied to them about fidelity, and also kept an STD secret while not protecting the unknowing partner, is it okay to look at their phone to verify a communication that would prove the suspicions are true?

The partner suspected of lying has a temper and (ironically) believes looking at someone’s phone is an unforgivable transgression on par with stealing or cheating.

– Anonymous

Anonymous: Why do you need to prove the fidelity lie when you already know – if I read you correctly – about the Std-related secrecy and reckless disregard, and you certainly already know about the temper, and you seem pretty confident in the irony of the offense taken at snooping, and the trust tank in this relationship is plainly down to fumes?

In other words, why do you need any newer, better or black-and-whiter reasons to relieve yourself of this person’s presence in your life?

There’s no minimum standard of misery you have to meet to “qualify” for breaking up.

There’s also this: You might not find your proof. What then? Will the absence of proof of your partner’s wrongdoing count as proof of their right-doing? Will it make you feel loved and valued? Make the STD, the temper, the irony and the fundamental distrust glow in the warm light of loving acceptance?

Sometimes things are just over and waiting for us to see that.

Instead of snooping, spend some thought on what more you really need to know.

Dear Carolyn: Any advice for how to find the willpower and discipline to eat and drink less, exercise more? I need to slim down and I know that’s the formula for success.

I am exercising more. I know the right foods to eat ... just can’t get the mind-set to make the right decisions.

– Finding Willpower

Finding Willpower: What works is liking your life the way it is. Willpower and discipline work only if they feel good to you. If they don’t, then you either won’t adopt them or you’ll be tempted out of them often.

So, you will keep exercising if you enjoy it enough to trade some couch time for it.

That’s why working out with friends can be so effective, or “working out” as a byproduct of a beloved activity, like hiking or dancing or gardening.

You will stay “on” your “diet” only if it is a way of eating – content, portions, timing – that feels good enough for you not to have to force it.

If those “right foods” don’t beckon to you or satisfy you, then find different ones. Or maybe just smaller, less frequent portions of the “wrong” ones.

Upshot: We do what we want. To make peace with yourself and your body, make adjustments toward your goals that are either comforting in themselves, or small enough not to feel like a slap on the wrist, and build – if you want to! – from there.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.