Anti-racism
“The feeling has been that white people needed to go into poor back communities and fix those poor black kids, but that’s not really where the fixing needs to happen,” said Montclair resident Bonnie Berman Cushing, a family therapist, racial justice organizer and educator. “[Political activist] Stokely Carmichael, James Baldwin and Malcolm X all said, ‘White people, if you want to do something about racism, go home and heal your own communities.’”
Only by examining the way we maintain racial inequality and talking about it with our children can we change society for the better, she said.
It isn’t enough just to live in a racially mixed setting, said Jessica Goodman, a mother of two who is head of the PTA at Upper Nyack Elementary School and co-leads a committee on diversity and equity.
“You can live in this diverse community and feel very proud of where you live, and still not have one black friend as a grownup,” she said. “We are sending a very clear message to our children when we don’t act and behave in ways to create different kinds of relationships and outcomes.”
Cary Chevat, who for nine years was the only white person on the executive committee of the NAACP’S Montclair chapter, agreed. “Well-meaning friends often ask me how to fight racism and injustice, and I tell them to start by showing up. If you don’t do anything but come to a vigil and then disappear, it’s like saying ‘Thoughts and prayers.’ It doesn’t change anything.”
There are many ways to “show up” and counter racism, experts say, both as individuals and as parents raising the next generation. Some gestures are small and some take more effort, but they add up.
Earliest impressions
“Babies don’t come into the world racialized or understanding race, but they start catching on much sooner than we think,” said Cushing. “By three months, they notice color differences, and by 18 months to 2 years old, they can recognize who the preferred group is.” Although parents may feel uncomfortable talking about the subject, avoiding it can imply that there’s something wrong or embarrassing about it.
Though it’s tempting to reassure young children that everyone is treated equally in our society, it’s better to “talk about the advantages white people have, and point out unfairness when you see it,” she said. “For example, if you go into a store with your child and notice that the person who’s brown or black isn’t being waited on, but the staff went right over to you and asked what you needed.”
Ellen Goldring, manager of Child Life Services/creative Arts Therapy at Hackensack University’s Joseph M. Sanzari Children’s Hospital, adopted two daughters from Guatemala, and recalled when her eldest, Marly, first took gymnastics classes in a different town. At age 4, she made it clear that she was aware of racial differences.
“She had been in HUMC day care, which is very multicultured,” says Goldring. “I put my daughter, who loved gymnastics, in her car seat and asked how she liked class, and she started to cry. I asked her what was wrong, and through sobs, she said, ‘They were all pink!’ ”
Emotionally fraught as they can be, moments like this one offer great opportunities to have conversations with kids that help them examine their thoughts and feelings.
Goldring says that if parents use their children’s passions as springboards for discussions, they’re less likely to feel that they’re being lectured or put on the spot. Watching Misty Copeland perform might lead to a talk about whether dancers of color have access to equal opportunities.
One of the easiest and most powerful ways parents can bring up topics of race and racism is through the media, said Sierra Filucci, editorial director of Common Sense Media, a national nonprofit dedicated to helping families navigate media and technology.
“You can bring a variety of media into the home that shows people from all different backgrounds, skin colors and religions,” she said. Classics like “Little House on the Prairie” are fine, she said, but add a Coretta Scott King Book Award winner like “Hidden Figures: The True Story of Four Black Women and the Space Race” on the shelf next to it. Or watch the movie of that name together, and talk about the way characters are treated based on their race.
Kids are never too young to start the conversation; Theconsciouskid.org offers picture books about people of color.
“For little kids, you can talk about differences and include skin color in your conversations without talking about violence or things that make them feel scared,” said Filucci. “Everyone’s different inside and out, and that makes people special and the world an interesting place to live in.”
When kids use social media, Filucci advised parents to ask them if they’ve seen racist language or memes, and to talk about it using examples. The goal is to help white kids develop empathy — “How would you feel?” “Why would someone post that?” without shaming their children for having seen them. Then parents can brainstorm ways their kids can safely and responsibly speak out against racist imagery and messages online.
Leading by example
When they were growing up, Retha Onitiri, director of community engagement at the New Jersey Institute for Social Justice, frequently took her two daughters to settings that promised to be diverse.
“You have to proactively move yourself into circles that allow you to interact with other people outside your own network,” she said. “You can’t influence other people unless you grow yourself.”
She has had conversations with people from different backgrounds at churches, museums, libraries and restaurants.
“Every month we would try a food from a different culture,” she says. “We would talk to the servers and learn more without traveling outside the country.” Onitiri also recommended going to presentations on race and striking up conversations with other attendees.
Many communities offer training in racial awareness that may meet virtually during the coronavirus pandemic.
“You can’t teach your kids what you don’t understand,” says Jessica Goodman, who has attended Undoing Racism workshops in Rockland County.
In Montclair, Bonnie Cushing is a cofacilitator for a series of virtual workshops on the subject that the Center for the Study of White American Culture will run in June; those, as well as workshops scheduled for September, are full “due to ongoing demand.”
But conversations that counter racism happen every day in informal settings, and those are great opportunities for people with different perspectives and backgrounds to reach greater mutual understanding.
“I’ve tried to get people who don’t see to get them to understand what my daughter might be experiencing, what it might be like to be the only girl with a different skin color,” said Ellen Goldring.
“I talk about how that would impact her self-confidence, and they’ll look at me sometimes because it’s Marly, they know her, and they don’t think of her as a person of color.”
By generalizing using a personal example in a way that isn’t hostile, she said, she “makes people aware of the larger picture.”
Being anti-racist helps everyone
The conversation about race is often awkward, but it’s worth having for the sake of people of all colors, said Goodman. “I think of the impact on my son’s psyche of seeing the pain caused when kids in the classroom are disciplined differently, and the damage it does to him and other children, white and black.”
Fear of saying the wrong thing can keep well-intentioned people on the sidelines, she said, but it’s important to “do something and get started.”
“Our discomfort can’t be any worse.”