Here is anti-racism advice from your one Black friend
Since the death of George Floyd in my home state, my life has been upended. In the beginning, my phone was buzzing off the hook. My friends, my family, colleagues, acquaintances – even the lunch lady and teachers at my kids’ school – were all checking in. What’s more, they were all asking for advice: What can they do to help? How do they talk to their kids about racism? What action can they take today?
The onslaught of questions lasted for about two weeks – then it went radio silent.
I haven’t moved on. I have been asking myself: How can I keep my family safe; how did I get nominated for the task of giving advice to everyone; why have they now seemed to stop caring?
I grew up in Minnesota, outside of its big cities, in a town called St. Cloud about 1.5 hours from Minneapolis. I am biracial and adopted, raised by white parents who are best described as ’60s-era hippies, in an allwhite town. I cannot emphasize “all white” enough. I can distinctly remember the first time I met another Black person, beyond my biracial siblings. I was in the fifth grade and was terrified by the encounter. The only thing I knew about Black people was what I had seen on the news. Let’s just say it was not a holistic representation.
Good intentions are not enough
The people turning to me to help them navigate this countrywide awakening were transferring their good intentions, lack of understanding or maybe their guilt, onto me. But then it stopped. They stopped asking, they stopped posting, and I have to ask myself whether they stopped caring.
At first, when I couldn’t keep up with the messages, I started sending a canned response: “My family is OK. Thank you for checking on us. Here are some simple actions you can take,” which included suggesting a few organizations where people could donate supplies to businesses and people impacted by generations of racism and inequalities ignited by yet another unjust killing of a Black man.
Suddenly, everyone’s one Black friend found herself not just dishing out advice, but now managing a fundraiser and donation collection and the procurement, transport and delivery of loads of supplies to donate to support Black people in Minneapolis.
I know that intentions are generally good, and that they were trying but didn’t have all the answers. I don’t have all the answers, either. But we did not fix it. All this rage, all of these good intentions, all of the fundraisers and protests haven’t resulted in systemic change. And the difference between me and my white friends is that my life can’t just go back to normal.
Now, after the original uproar, I am asking myself, where did everyone go? Do they still care? Is it now my responsibility to restart the conversations? To keep the conversation going? To try to fix this?
Keep anti-racism momentum going
I’ve had a little time to process the sadness of it all, the increased worry I feel about raising my children and the anxiety I feel when my adult Black son and my Black husband leave our home.
I don’t know how to keep the momentum going. But there is a lot of work to be done, and what I can offer, as perhaps your one Black friend, is how to help in this moment:
h Change begins within yourself, and it takes work. I appreciate that people would seek my advice on what to do and how to educate their children, but there is no “easy” or succinct answer I can send via a phone call or text message that will solve generations of inequality and oppression. And the work can’t be done in a couple of weeks or in the month of February. Use the resources at your disposal. Read and put what you learn into practice on an ongoing basis.
h You have to do your own work. Expecting something to be handed to you is exercising privilege. Make the effort. Buy your own supplies. Drive them to where Black people are. See Black people. Talk to them. Face your fears and shut down stereotypes.
Real friends recognize you as an individual and not the voice for an entire race or experience. Real friends know having one Black friend is not enough.
Kelli Williams lives in Minnesota and runs Williams Brand Consultancy, an independent marketing consultancy providing strategic marketing services.