Husband doesn’t know when to listen and when to ask questions
Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law came over yesterday and told me that a project she was heavily emotionally invested in looked like it wasn’t going to happen. I said I was sorry and then had to run off to deal with kids.
She then told “David” (my husband). Before she could finish, he started asking, “Well did you try to resolve it with A, or B, or C?” I later told David I thought it came off as (a) trying to give advice when she wanted to talk about her disappointment and (b) sounding like he knew better than she did since he was asking before she finished talking, assuming she hadn’t thought of it. She has experience in the project area, he has none.
David said he was just curious about all the different options, which I believe is genuine – he really is somehow interested in everything! - but he doesn’t know when to ask questions and when he should just listen. This is just one example, but he does this with me and others, too. Am I out of line to suggest he sometimes hold back, wait until they are finished, and then ask himself whether they want advice and to delve deeper or just sympathy? Or do you have suggestions for how he can tell whether to ask questions or wait?
– Listen or Ask?
Listen or Ask?: You are not out of line to say to David, when he starts asking you all of his problem-solvey questions: “Thanks for trying to help, but I’d prefer that you just listen right now as I figure this out myself.”
But you are out of line in trying to coach him through his conversations with other people, unless he has asked you to do that for him. If his mother doesn’t like his way of grilling her, then she can tell him that herself.
I hope you both have a good eye for irony.
Re: Listen or Ask? I agree it may be out of line to coach the husband through conversations with other people, but if I am doing something that grates on others, I would love for someone close to me to give me a gentle heads-up.
– Anonymous
Anonymous: Yes, I’m with you there. So tell them, please, that you welcome constructive criticism. Notify the people closest to you that you want them to be your source of a “gentle heads-up” when you’re alienating people in ways you may not intend. In both cases, saying what we want is so much better than expecting others to read our minds.
Hello, Carolyn! My girlfriend and I decided to get married. Yay! I’d simply planned to propose sometime soon. However, my family asked if I’ve talked with her parents to ask for “permission.” I hadn’t planned to. We’re adults, make responsible decisions, have been together for years, and (mostly) it’s our life and her answer to give. But they are also traditional, so I think asking for a blessing satisfies our convictions and avoids creating a sore spot. What should I do?
– Proposing
Proposing: Theme day!
Ask your girlfriend what she wants to do. Her parents, her call. Congratulations!
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