Domestically helpless partner feels stereotyped
Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I’ve always heard, “Men are guests in their own houses,” from the old wives I know, and try as I might to resist gender stereotypes in my own life, this one seems to ring true in my house.
My partner has lived in our apartment for as long as I have, yet I feel like every single day I am answering questions about where we keep the cleaning supplies, how often we change the sheets, etc. If I ask him to take over basic tasks – like cleaning or changing the sheets – I still have to manage the whole operation at some level, and it never seems to get any better. Four years and counting!
I’m getting sick of it. What is the simplest way to get him to start internalizing some of the details of how we – not I, but we – run our household?
Stereotype
Stereotype: Yuck.
As with any ugly stereotype, it’s a group effort to get rid of it. Stop managing any of the operations that are rightly his to manage.
Q: “Where do we keep the cleaning supplies?”
A: “Are they not where they’re supposed to be?” Since, fair point, he may have looked in a usual spot and not seen something.
Q: “How often do we change the sheets?”
A: “Any preference? ‘Never’ is not an option.” Hold out for a real answer.
Q: [Something he’s equally responsible for]
A: “I don’t know, what do you think?” Or what I say to my kids when they’re over-shifting their work onto my agenda: “I trust you to figure it out.” Just make sure what he “figures out” doesn’t involve defaulting it over to you.
This walks a fine line between talking normally to a fellow adult and being a raging snarkmonster. While there will be occasions where snark is absolutely appropriate – act helpless over basic self-care and/or treat your partner like your domestic help, and you get what you get – it’s a seriously unhealthy attitude when that’s all you have for somebody. It becomes contempt.
A good hedge against all these pitfalls, including the contempt, the over-asking of simple questions, the learned or weaponized helplessness, and the retreat into defaults, is to have a preliminary, “Half of this management job is yours” conversation, where you hear each other out and set out your terms. Make it clear your terms are that his jobs are his to own entirely, not for you to schedule, request and supervise. When you’re in general agreement, then you make specific lists assigning areas of responsibility.
Then you execute this stereotypebusting plan by meticulously not taking over decisions or chores for him. Group effort, as I said.
Anonymous: Thanks. It also helps to delegate based on temperament, skills, and necessity. So, put a reluctant contributor in charge of grocery-shopping, his own laundry, and [something else he values more than his partner does]. Let natural consequences work for you.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com or follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax.