How do we reclaim civility with those on the ‘other side’?

In a culture where polarization is rampant and civil discussions disappearing, we need to relearn how to meaningfully disagree.

Ongoing international crises, the COVID pandemic, the economy, approaching elections and other issues painfully demonstrate this is a lost art.

Now more than ever, citizens of all ages must learn the skills to engage — meaningfully — with someone who shares different opinions.

These are interactions where the approach matters as much if not more than the subject, especially if both parties desire to remain in relationship beyond one exchange.

And when practiced well, we treasure people with whom we meaningfully disagree. They help us think more deeply while building bridges in families, friendships, organizations and communities.

Tips for fostering respectful conversation

With that in mind, here are five keys to consider as we attempt to foster meaningful disagreements: 1. Adopt an Attitude of Perpetual Learning

Begin on a foundation of personal humility, an acknowledgment that we all have more to learn. This growth mindset understands that our opinions and beliefs are based only on the knowledge currently in our possession, and knowledge itself is endless.

There are always new stories, new viewpoints and new ways to perceive the world for us to engage. Adopting an attitude of perpetual learning encourages us to engage in dialogue from a place of wonder and curiosity, giving due consideration to other perspectives.

2. Form Unlikely Friendships

The one-sided echo chambers that are being fostered — or certainly heavily influenced by — social media and other outlets are concerning. We seek and find an opinion that aligns with our own, and then amplify those viewpoints with a steady consumption of content that feed us information and analysis exactly as we expect it.

We must break those bad habits and expose ourselves to different ideas. This also means surrounding ourselves with people who challenge our preconceived notions. We must cultivate unlikely friendships across wide spectrums and build them on a foundation of honesty and mutual respect rather than a presumed consensus.

3. Pursue “Kenotic” Listening

This is a phrase coined by my wife, the Rev. Susan Pendleton Jones, and based on the Greek word kenosis, used in the Bible (esp. Phil. 2) to describe an emptying of self. Kenotic listening, then, depicts a deep, active listening in which we set aside selfconcern, privilege and a need to be “right.”

By focusing as wholly as possible on our new unlikely friends in the conversation, we eliminate common tendencies like interrupting, stealing the moment with our own story or listening solely to respond or interject our counter argument.

4. Practice Interpretive Charity

The practice of interpreting another’s actions charitably can be helpful to our state of mind and how we interact in difficult conversations. It’s akin to author/social researcher Brene Brown’s insight in her book “Dare to Lead” in which she encourages readers to attempt to see every individual as doing the best they can.

This generous assumption eliminates judgment and supports our efforts to earn and maintain trusting relationships.

5. Engage Intentionally

Finally, engage with all four steps above with an intentionality born of love and buoyed by patience and perseverance. Such engagement requires courage, particularly when shouting, blaming and cancel culture have become the norm among people with conflicting opinions.

Learning to meaningfully disagree benefits everyone by cultivating a “prismatic imagination,” an approach to conversations that allows for light to be shed in multiple directions and on diverse issues.

We all grow, we all learn together when we take the time and effort to discuss difficult issues with civility and mutual respect.