Decision to have baby was my choice alone
Every person facing an unplanned pregnancy deserves compassion
On Monday night, we learned of a leaked Supreme Court draft opinion that would end Roe v. Wade.
The news of this 98-page opinion seemed to spark, on social media at least, passionate declarations from many of my friends about which side of the 1973 landmark decision they were on.
Scrolling through the posts and comments, which appeared as everything from self-righteousness to humble musings to strong oppositions, not one person acknowledged that regardless of what choice a woman makes as she faces an unplanned pregnancy, she is — in that moment- experiencing real trauma.
I wonder if we have become so caught up in political fervor that we are missing the hearts and lives of the women who are so impacted by this choice.
Somewhere, there is a girl who finds herself pregnant and instantaneously realizes that her dreams and future have abruptly changed course no matter what decision she makes.
Her life will never be the same, and I believe that when we talk about this delicate situation, we need to seriously address the reality of the trauma.
When I chose parenthood following an unplanned pregnancy at 21, my choice meant that I said goodbye to the luxuries of time, freedom, and opportunity that my peers continued to enjoy.
For me, relationships changed or ended and practical decisions about parenting replaced the possibilities that usually mark the college years. I have relished watching my daughter grow, but to say choosing parenthood didn’t come with a cost would be untrue.
Likewise, I’ve sat with many women who’ve had abortions, and some comment on how old their child would be today. The anniversary of their abortions may appear on the calendar as an unwelcome guest, and some continue to grieve in solitude because they don’t want to tell their spouse, their parents, or their friends about the decision they made that they alone will hold forever.
Something that has surprised me as I’ve met women who share my story of a surprise pregnancy is the camaraderie we share as women who have endured similar trauma despite different choices.
The pain, worry, fear, shame and anxiety for all women who face unplanned pregnancies is real and lasting, and many do not get the help that would make their journeys more bearable. Women in these situations — regardless of the ultimate choice they make — rarely get the counseling, the support, and the community that they desperately need.
Here are ways to help women
A friend of mine in Colorado shared online that she had a guest bedroom for anyone who wished to travel to Colorado for an abortion given the impending likelihood that abortion access will be threatened in certain areas of our country.
It’s a lovely gesture but lodging for abortion access does nothing to alleviate the life-long struggles that many women who have abortions live with. Likewise, if a woman chooses to carry and parent, the admonition that they are “doing the right thing” will not be a comfort in the throes of parenting.
If we want to help women who experience unplanned pregnancy, we need to make sure that they — and all mothers for that matter — have access to quality healthcare including counseling. Women deserve paid maternity leave, subsidized childcare should they choose to parent, and flexible work environments. Women need the resources to stay in school and realistically create a better life moving forward.
What those enduring this trauma do not need is internet memes or religious platitudes devoid of action.
I am proud of my decision, and I’d make it again today, but I am in no place to make that decision for another woman, and neither is the Supreme Court.
Mary Cady Bolin is a pastor and writer in Nashville.