Wife worries that spouse uses parental ‘time off ’ to veg out

Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have two kids under age 5 and all that that entails. We have negotiated giving each other one day “off ” per week, which means a total of about 24 hours to ourselves while the other covers the house and kids. The original agreement was for us to develop areas that needed attention: I wanted to finish a graduate class online, and he wanted to work with a volunteer organization that would help his career; we both wanted more time to exercise.

I have spent my days off the way I said I would, but my husband usually uses his watching TV or playing video games and then announcing he’s too tired to do the other things he intended.

Of course it’s entirely his business – he’s an excellent husband and father, our bills are getting paid, and I have no reason (or entitlement) to tell him how to spend his leisure time. But I do worry this is working out in a way that’s unfair; in a few weeks, I will have finished my class and gotten my regular workouts, but he will not have done the things he meant to do. Is it my place to try to push him, or even remind him of what he said his goals were back at the beginning?

“Off”

“Off ”: Unfair how? I don’t understand. You will come out of your days off with something to show for them, yes, and technically he won’t – but: 1. Rest matters. 2. It’s his free time to use or misuse as he sees fit.

So, no, it’s not your place to “try to push him.”

If he’s down and complaining he wasted the time, then you can certainly ask if he wants your input or just an ear.

But “remind him what his goals were” is probably not your best angle even if he does welcome your thoughts. He knows, right? Probably too well? The issue is the difficulty in converting goals to action in an environment where just the basics of working or studying plus young kids are taxing people to their limits; we have mass societal denial on how much we’re asking of parents. And you’re judging him by your goals and what you’re able to do under these circumstances.

Plus each of you is doing 24 weekly hours of solo care, which is a lot – are the kids even awake in your presence for 48 hours a week?

But anyway – I suggest a different angle: that maybe volunteering can wait. Or, 24 hours are too many. Or, if he really wants to use the time better, that it’s worth rethinking what “better” looks like - taking a walk outside, for example, vs. hitting the couch. That’s a lower bar to clear than “commit to volunteer organization for extra career points.”

Again, this is IF he asks for your input – and even then, I urge you to lead with questions toward the goal of helping him, vs. jumping in to help. Because he knows what he’s up against better than you do, and getting his thoughts first will help you help him.

If he doesn’t invite you to weigh in? Then don’t judge and let him game. And treat the day-off concept as broader than just self-improvement and more permanent than little-kid-rearing relief. Treat it (and tweak it) as a really good concept in general to help you both keep your selves whole under the pressures of daily life.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.