Longtime friend won’t forgive being canceled at last minute for a guy

Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: Last weekend, I canceled plans (a beach day) with my friend of 30 years because I was invited to go away for the weekend. This was the first time the guy and I have spent this much time together. I texted early Saturday to cancel on my friend. Apologizing and saying, “I hope you understand.”

She responded that she didn’t understand and couldn’t believe I was canceling for a guy. I apologized again, but that was all.

How do I approach her? I don’t want to plead my case – if she doesn’t understand, then she’s entitled to determine I made the wrong choice. But I’d like our 30-year history to allow for forgiveness, and I don’t want this to be the end of our friendship.

Anonymous

Anonymous: It was a crappy thing, canceling on her at the last minute. Own that. Otherwise, the “apologizing” was hollow.

I agree, 30 years > standing her up once. But it still matters how you handle it – how honestly, how transparently, how sympathetically, how open-mindedly.

So: If you think you get a freebie, then say, “I think after 30 years, I get a freebie. Am I wrong to think that?” If you wouldn’t like it if she ever did the same thing to you, then say, “I told myself that after 30 years, I had a get-out-of-being-a-jerkfree card, but then I realized I would have hated your doing that to me.” If you would have said to her, “Go, be with your new date, we’ll have a makeup beach day,” then say so – while also acknowledging you shouldn’t have assumed she’d feel the same way. Thirty years, and you didn’t see her response coming?

If that’s part of it – if this was out of character for her - then say, “I just assumed how you would respond when I should have asked, I’m sorry - because for all I know, I did this to you at a really bad time. Is everything OK besides this?”

Short version: You’re talking to me about forgiveness and exceptions when you need to be talking to her. But don’t go in just to make your case; that just doubles down on whatever led her to take offense. Go in to hear her out.

And next time, ask a friend first instead of dropping it on her as a fait accompli – let her say, “Go! Yay! Have fun!”

Even better, see the guy next weekend instead.

Readers’ thoughts: h Having been in a similar position as your friend, I want to double down on the “ask first” part of Carolyn’s response. I really think that’s the root of your friend’s anger. I would have said fine, but being presented with a “sorry/not sorry” fait accompli left a bad residue.

Why didn’t you ask first – was it because you suspected the answer would be no? And what made accepting the other invitation so urgent that you couldn’t risk a no, or were willing to risk a 30-year friendship over it?

h Another possibility is you’ve often prioritized your emotional needs over hers and this was the last straw. I’ve experienced this in a long-term friendship. We are not as close as we once were, and the only reason the friendship hasn’t ended is because we both now have good therapists and are more self-aware.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

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