Here’s what to put in your Christmas tree water – and what to avoid

Well, here we are, folks – the second weekend of December and just two weeks before Christmas. And if Christmas is a season, holiday, or celestial event you celebrate, you likely fall into one of two categories: 1) you’re 100% done with your gift shopping and everything is wrapped, mailed, and/or sorted into gift stacks by GPS coordinates of the expected location of the recipient(s) at midnight on Dec. 24, or 2) you’re no more than 10% done and likely won’t be any closer until NORAD starts tracking you know who on the same late December evening.

The problem is that’s not even the biggest challenge. Nope. That one’s way down the list. The bigger challenge is the whole Christmas tree thing.

Did you put up the tree before the Thanksgiving turkey was cold ... or even before it was cooked? Is this weekend better so the tree stays fresher through the New Year’s Eve party? What’s the carbon footprint of a live/cut tree vs. an artificial tree with all that iron ore mined for the steel wire and petroleum for the very natural-looking artificial needly things?

The whole debate might make you want to fly to the Gulf Coast and sit out the whole thing on a sunny beach.

Regardless of your logical and very well-thought-out justification for whatever kind of tree you might buy and whatever tree-putting-up-timing you might have devised, your spouse, kids, pets, and/or UPS driver overruled you and you now have a freshly cut tree sitting somewhere between the garage and the living room tree stand. Now what do you do to keep that tree happy?

What should you avoid putting in your Christmas tree water?

OK, you know the drill. Buy your tree early, take it home, make a fresh cut on the base and immediately put it in water. Oh — and keep that tree in water for the duration. That’s all pretty easy.

But I’ve saved the biggest conundrum of the season for last. What do you put the water to keep your tree happy through the season?

This topic has been hotly debated since a certain Middle Eastern manager COO was tasked with maintaining the freshness of a certain evergreen tree that was summarily chopped down in a fit of rage by a poor soul who confused frankincense and myrrh for a Final Jeopardy answer. And the argument has continued for a millennium or two.

Everyone has their favorite tree water recipe that is guaranteed to make the tree stay fresh and supple until at least Kentucky Derby Day. There’s the old favorite — aspirin. That one’s been around forever. Some people prefer Sprite — others 7up — and still others swear by Sierra Mist. To each their own, I suppose.

And then there are the know-it-alls who know that it’s a build-up of fungi and bacteria in the tree’s water and plumbing that eventually stops water from working its way up to the transpiring needles. Those learned folks give the nod to an occasional shot of Chlorox in the tree’s water bowl to keep the micronasties at bay.

The problem is that those things do more harm than good. As I’m sure you’ve already figured out, any kind of soda is destined to provide a healthy and sugary snack to the microbes growing and multiplying in that bowl of water. Aspirin — that’s supposed to do something magical to the water to keep the microbes from growing — doesn’t work either. As for a few glugs of Chlorox once a week, aside from being the perfect way to poison your family pet, it does more harm than good.

I once knew a person who swore that a weekly shot of bourbon in the water made all the difference in the world. (And no, he wasn’t from Kentucky.)

What should you put in your Christmas tree water?

So, in the spirit of the season, and to help ease the long-suffering and disharmony among family members, here’s the one thing you can do to ensure your tree stays fresh as long as anyone can reasonably expect. It’s the one thing, beyond the fresh cut and not letting the tree run out of water, that you can do once and for all to prove to all the naysayers that you know better.

Despite the throngs of overworked horticulture graduate students running replicated studies over and over and over, and despite all the Facebook experts with home remedies of biblical origin, you know that the one clear winner is ... nothing.

That's right. Of all the products tested from bleach to floral preservatives, the best, the safest, and the most effective thing you can put in the tree stand bowl is plain old tap water.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news (for some of you, anyway), and my apologies to the Sprite and Chlorox vendors the world over for the likely massive drop in product sales caused by this column. But it’s the truth.

And if you don’t believe me, the next time you pause to offer your UPS driver a cup of coffee or a few cookies, just ask. I’m sure they’ll agree!

MATT STONE/COURIER JOURNAL In this 2014 photo, Tommy Thompson admires one of the trees for sale on his lot, a family tradition since the late 1950s.

GETTY IMAGES Everyone has their favorite tree water recipe that is guaranteed to make the tree stay fresh and supple until at least Kentucky Derby Day.