Rick Koster offers weekly lists of ideas, notions and things that must be seen to be believed

I feel it’s only right to go public and clear things up and admit it and apologize for it. Some patsy called Meredith McIver took the blame, but I’m actually the speech writer who lazily tucked snippets of a Michelle Obama oration into Mrs. Trump’s Monday address at the Republican National Convention — and McIver was selected to be thrown to the wolves, possibly literally. The Trumps actually own a steep-sided wolf pit on their property, and small animals and various human morons are tossed in it from time to time.

Anyway, I feel bad because Der Donald had asked me, not 15 minutes before Melania’s presentation, if I was “one-thousand-pointone-hundred percent” certain there were no screw-ups or uncredited quotes in his wife’s speech. The thing is, I was distracted by that odd figure and asked, “What, ah, does ‘one-thousand-point-onehundred’ actually mean?”

“Oh, that!” Donald said. “That’s the assigned vig for chronically delinquent gamblers in my casinos.”

We shared hearty snickers — and I completely forgot that, yes, I HAD overlooked that minor “quote-borrow” from Michelle Obama. Because, frankly, my original draft was a patchwork collection of stolen wisdom. When writing a speech, that’s the method I use to generate momentum and, as I craft subsequent versions, the stolen quotes gradually go away to be replaced by dazzling pearls of totally original wisdom.

Trying to stay positive, then, here are the plagiarized and otherwise intriguing quotes from Melania’s original draft that I was smart enough to excise before her appearance. I’ve included my tweaky alterations to make them topical. This, then, is what you MIGHT have heard: 1 “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Mexico and Syria forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” — on loan from a 1984 Ronald Reagan pre-weekly-radio-broadcast sound check. 2 “Where’s the beef?” (STAGE DIRECTION: Wait for laughter, Melania, then shout it again.) “WHERE’S THAT DAMNED BEEF?” — Famous Wendy’s tag line appropriated by then-presidential candidate Walter Mondale in a debate with rival Gary Hart. 3 “As I’ve often stated, in a song I wrote before I met Donald, that was later covered without permission by the frankly a-little-too-androgynous rock combo Queen, ‘We are the champions.’” — Melania actually did compose that tune. 4 “Sometimes that Hillary, she looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a Hillary? She’s got ... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a shark’s eye. When she comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’. Until she bites ya and those black eyes roll over white ...” — from “Jaws”